a prayer

God,
I miss you. I want to fall completely and utterly in love with you again. I keep running away for no reason. You've done nothing to chase me away, so why can't I get myself to stay? But, Father, this time it's for real. I need to feel you again. I need to spend time with you again. I want the Christmas story and the nativity to fill me with pure joy like it used to. I want the crucifixion to break me to the point of tears. I'm sorry for how distant I've been. But thank you for never leaving me. No matter how far I got from you, I know you were still right there. You're waiting for me and all this time I thought I was waiting for you. God, I need you. Give me the desire to fall in love with you all over again. Show me the power of You. Reveal yourself to me so that I can't get enough. Let me live in fear of you. Let me realize that I'm your friend and you are mine. God, you are beautiful. I love you. And I'm starting over.
Amen

"It's the saddest thing..."

I volunteer at a women's shelter. I can't say much about it, especially online, but something hit me today while I was there. I was holding a baby boy whose mother had just arrived that day and he was the cutest thing. When I handed him over to his mother he was so happy and, not knowing it hurts, grabbed for her hair. We laughed about it for a second before his mother said to me, "you know, it's the saddest thing when your husband hits you and your baby son reaches out to try to stop him." Wow. It hit me that I've never had to go through that pain. God has blessed me with an amazing life. I have a family that loves me and supports me. But what if I was in that woman's shoes? I don't think I can answer that, so I won't. I'm just overwhelmed with thankfulness that God spared me from that situation. I'll keep it short, because that woman's statement says everything I need to say here.

faithful

It's been a while. You know why? I've had nothing to say...simple as that. To tell the truth I've been dry. Spiritually, that is. I've been wanting to hear from God, to feel Him close to me. I've been wanting to just fall on my knees in raw surrender because of something He said or did that broke me.

But none of that's happened.

I tried everything. I tried making myself worship "harder" in church and stretching my hands to the ceiling. I tried reciting cliches about how great God is and how faithful He is. I even tried making myself cry over how distant I've felt. I tried all the wrong things though. I realized today that I still hadn't gone to His Word. So I spent a while reading my Bible, waiting for something to jump out at me. Nothing. I began wondering what I'm doing wrong. Why aren't I hearing anything? Did God just give up on me? But no, I know He doesn't do that...so what's going on?

And then I put in my headphones and listened to music as I studied for my bio test. A song came on that I've listened to countless times before. I always loved it, but this time it meant something different to me. I'll put a video of it here.



It just finally sunk in. Maybe I'm learning how to be faithful to God, just like He's ALWAYS been faithful to me. Even though it's not obvious He's here, He is. Why would I believe any differently? So...it seems as though an attitude change is in order for this week. Hopefully you can learn something from my struggle with this, as well.

east to west

I copied this from my notebook...I found myself needing to write but with no computer so here it is...copied from handwriting to my blog just for you :)

Right now I'm sinking into a gloriously comfortable leather couch in the student center, strategically placed to do some great people watching. Sadly, though, most of the people here are half asleep...including myself. So my mind started wandering and I pulled out my notebook to write it all down.

Last night my roommates and I stated what Caity would like to call some good old fashioned "soul diggin". Basically we want to start being there for each other - encouraging each other, holding each other accountable, and just plain listening. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. There's something different about friends who will actually take the time to do that.

But anyway, we started talking about God's grace. It's hard to truely realize the sufficiency of such grace. In fact, for me, it's hard to accept it sometimes. Sure, it's easy with the little stuff, a little white lie or seemingly harmless gossip. That's stuff I can forgive myself for, stuff I can easily forgive others for when it offends me. But then there's the big stuff. Things I regret, things that would ruin me if people found out. We all have something like that. That's when it's so hard for me to accept the free gift of God's grace. Suddenly it doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem good enough. I have trouble forgiving myself, so how could my Creator, who knows every incriminating little detail, even consider forgiving me?

And yet, He does. He forgives and more. He forgets about it. Psalm 103:12 tells us that God removes our sins as far as the east is from the west. They no longer exist - like it never happened. And He loves me. It doesn't matter what I do, He will never love me any more or any less. He already loves me as much as He possibly can. And I could take advantage of all this and say, I'm already guaranteed forgiveness, I might as well do it anyway, but how is that respecting the One who loves me unfailingly? How is taking advantage of someone's love showing them your love in return? That's not the way to treat the man who suffered and died for my sins 2000 years before anyone else even knew I existed, let alone my sin. But he hung there, on that splintered, bloody cross for me. He endured the whips and the mocking for me. He literally went to Hell and back for me. For me. It's hard to believe, but at the same time impossible not to. And say what you want but I know my God loves me and He forgives me every day for every little thing I do wrong. I can't fathom it and I have a really hard time accepting it sometimes, but it's true and I'm learning that.

Cambodia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok so for those of you who actually read my blog and I haven't told, here it is:

There's like a 95% chance I'm going to Cambodia for the summer!!!!

I don't wanna say 100% yet because there's still some details to work out and a lot of money to get, but it's been approved and all that good stuff :) But basically, I'm planning on doing my internship for psych in Cambodia at the same place I worked 2 summers ago.

I can't believe it's been that long since I've been there. It feels like I just got back a couple weeks ago. I can still see the girls faces, hear their voices, smell the dirty air (believe it or not I kinda miss the smell...is that weird?). I just want to be there so badly right now. My prayer is that God will keep this door open for me and use me in Cambodia in ways that I can't even imagine. I have faith and I'm determined not to let it die or fade. Because I've seen that big faith brings about big change and that's what I desire to see in the city of Phnom Penh. Huge change and a huge shift towards God.

thanks Lauren!

Lauren Fisher made my night!

Or at least...she inspired a blog for me. I think it's safe to say she made my night though...she does that every so often :)

She told me she read one of my posts and thinks I should write a book. I always wanted to do that! Just the fact that she told me that really encouraged me. I always wanted to write one of those books that inspires people to go out and do something huge. Or even just inspires enough people to do something small so that those small things add up to something huge. I guess I just want to inspire people. The only problem is, I have no idea what I'd write about! But maybe one day I'll figure it all out.

That's my thought of the night...one day I'll figure it all out. Well, I guess it's a little presumptuous to think one day I'll figure it all out...maybe not everything. I mean, how many people figure literally everything out. But one day, I'll know more than I know now. Isn't that how life's supposed to be anyway? But my problem is that I think I should know it all now. I'm too impatient to wait 10, 20, even 50 years to know some things. Who am I to think I should know everything now? I need to slow down and just be a kid. Yeah, I've got responsibilities, but I have to stop worrying. I have to stop planning so extensively. I have to stop wondering why I haven't figured out what will happen five steps down the road and just focus on this moment.

So one day a topic for that book will hit me. And I'll write it. You'll see my name one day on the New York bestseller list...or at least on the cover of a book. And you'll say to yourself, I guess she finally figured it out after all. But for now I'll sit here, do some homework, go on facebook like a normal kid, drink my vanilla latte and eat my chocolate chip scone. Because right now I don't have to worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself because every day has enough of it's own. (Matthew 6:34)

moved to worship

A moment ago I was so overwhelmed with things to write about and yet now I'm sitting here on my bed trying to figure out what to say. I think the best idea right now, though, would be to write about what I've been learning - worship.

If you asked me a week ago "what is worship?" I would have promptly responded "it's a lifestyle centered around giving back to God what He's blessed you with" or something along those lines. It's not that I disagree with that now...I just feel like that definition is so...empty. Like there are so many aspects to worship and I can't even begin to describe them all. The theme on our hall this year at school is worship and they're planning on spending the year talking about what it is and what it looks like in our lives, so I'm sure plenty of blogs about worship will follow this one.

But I've had a song in my head since I left church this evening...which is strange because we didn't even sing it at church but here's the lyrics:

The more i seek you

the more i find you

The more i find you

the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet

drink from the cup in your hand.

Lay back against you and breathe, hear your heart beat

This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.

I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

I think that's my definition of worship right now. It might seem weird that my definition is constantly changing, but I think it's more that it's constantly growing. But tonight my definition of worship is this song. Worship is constantly seeking God and seeking His face. Wanting to know Him more, wanting to know Him more intimately than any human being. Worship is getting so close to God that you can sit with Him in awe of His power and yet see that He loves you enough to let you drink in His mercies and His grace...realizing that He's willing to share with you because you are His. And because of this realization you can't help but melt for Him. You are so deeply moved that you can't help but fall to your knees in awe of Him.

Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone else right now, but I pray it does. My focus for this year is going to be seeking God and learning more and more about Him every day.

in loving memory

It took me a couple days but I finally have words to express what's going on in my life. It's finally become a reality and I think I'm ready to let it out.

Saturday morning, around 10 AM, my Pop Pop went on to be with God. I'm more grateful than words can express that I can say that with confidence. It's hard that he's gone...even harder than I thought actually...but it helps to know that he is in heaven. I can just picture him up there with countless others singing praises to the Lord. I just wish I could be up there with him.

It was only about a month ago that Pop Pop accepted Christ as his savior. He was always so stubborn...like he thought he didn't need God, I guess. But a month ago my uncle prayed with him in his house and Pop Pop said he believed he sinned and needed to be saved. It's an answer to prayer really, the way his life was. He lived his life the way he wanted it and I think it's safe to say he did everything he ever wanted to do. But like I said, he was stubborn and felt that his life was his. But the last 3 years of his life his heart softened as he got more and more sick and finally his heart was ready for Christ. I know God planned out his life perfectly.

I miss Pop Pop so much...and I probably always will. He was one of my favorite people. He taught me so much about life and about people and about what's important. He taught me how to be strong. He always had such a great attitude about everything. And his stories...I could have sat and listened to him tell his stories for hours. He knew so many people and had so many experiences that shaped him into the man he was. And I know he helped shape me into the young woman I am today. I owe a lot of who I am to my Pop Pop. I'll love him forever.

hope, frustration, and longing

"God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied." (Matthew 5:6 NLT)

I read that verse yesterday during my quiet time and it opened so much in my mind. I began to feel hope, frustration, and longing all at once. I was hopeful because that's my heart right there - I long for justice. I know that's part of my purpose here: to see justice brought to even just a few women and children trafficked and forced into prostitution. God has given me a burning desire for justice. There are nights when I lie awake trying to think of things I can do to make others aware of what's going on in the world, what I can do to start making a change.

But that's when the frustration comes in. I often feel like I don't have enough influence to bring change or have a voice loud enough to be heard. I try to remember the verse that tells us "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young" but sometimes it's not only that. Sometimes it's the fact that I'm only a college student living in the same town I grew up in. I haven't done anything to make people listen to me. I haven't had any traumatic experience to make people want to listen to me. But I do have a heart for justice and for the hundreds of thousands of women and children of this world who are forced to sleep with 10 or more men a day. I have a passion for those women and children who are raped too many times to count, but see no one put in jail for it.

But all this passion brings longing. A longing to do something. A longing to be back in Cambodia where I felt like I actually was making a difference. A longing to be out there changing things. I know it's not my time yet, but it's so hard to wait sometimes. I get scared that it will be too late. I know it won't but that's still in the back of my mind. But God's given me this passion for a reason. He knew exactly how I'd be feeling today. I know one day I'll reach my potential. One day I'll fulfill my purpose on this earth, but until then I'll continue learning and growing so I'm ready when the time comes.

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute." -Proverbs 31:8

my pink, magnetic Bible

So it's been a while since I wrote...I'm starting to notice I start a lot of blogs that way now haha. But I have so much to say lately I don't know where to start! I guess I'll start by saying that Saturday I got back from one of the best trips of my life.

Our church's high school youth group went on this 5 day trip to Eastern University for a camp called Fuge. Basically, besides listening to awesome messages, participating in great worship, and watching so hilarious skits and videos, we got to go out during the 4 full days we were there and serve people in West Philadelphia (born and raised...sorry just had to throw that in there!) The first and third days we got to play with kids in the city. The second day we helped organize a thrift store and heard amazing stories from Larry Falcon, the guy who runs the store. The fourth day we went to a school for mentally disabled and special needs boys who had been abused or neglected at home.

Every day was amazing, but my favorite was the third day. We went to Malcom X park (how great is that name?) and played with kids like straight from the ghetto. One of the boys got into our van and stole someone's Bible. After a few minutes I was able to convince him to hand over the Bible under the condition that I gave him mine (he liked that it had a magnetic strap thingy haha). I got to sit with the boy, who couldn't even read yet, and read to him from Isaiah (he picked it!) and explain to him that God loves him and created him. I had to answer some tough questions from him, but it was worth it. That boy will always have a special place in my heart. I pray that Bible comes in handy one day...I know God put me in that situation for a reason and I can only hope he'll use that Bible for amazing works. After all...if there's one thing I learned this week it's that God is in a lot more control than we like to admit!

happy(?) birthday to me

Today (well, technically yesterday) I turned 20. I am officially no longer a teenager and that feels so good! It was quite a day, though...full of plenty of ups and downs. I got to the shore for the first time all summer so that was definitely an up. And Matt was with me so that made it even better! Plus he got me a great gift so that was nice too :) I got a little sunburned at the shore, but it was worth it!

But tonight took a bit of a turn...Pop Pop's back in the hospital. My grandmom called to say he was sick and then they ended up taking him to the hospital. We still had cake and everything and don't get me wrong I had so much fun, but I couldn't help but worry about Pop Pop. I don't know how much longer he has and it scares me. I know God will take him at the right time, but I've been begging God for just a little longer. Pop Pop has always been one of the most influential people in my life. He taught me so much, told me so many stories...and he was unconditionally proud of me. I love him more than he probably knows and it kills me to see him like this. But I can't let him go yet...I'm just not ready. I don't know if I ever will be.

So I just ask that you pray for him. I don't even know what's wrong exactly, but pray for him hard if you think about it.

Phillies, Fireworks, Freedom, and Family

Happy 4th of July everyone! Well...it's kinda ending, but I hope you had a good one! I think this was one of the most memorable for me. Last minute my parents and I got to go the Phillies-Mets game (which the Phils won, by the way!) and then went to my aunt and uncle's house for food and fireworks. I got to see my cousin's little boy watch fireworks for the first time in his life and see my uncle drunk for the first time in my life.

But throughout the day I was reminded of how extremely blessed I am to be living in this free country. Last year I was in Cambodia during this holiday and as I look back I can only think of the differences in the two countries. Both have amazing things as well as terrible things, just like every country. I won't bore you with pros and cons, but I will say that I am truely blessed just to be able to have a barbeque with my family on a holiday during which we celebrate the freedom of our country.

So that being said, be thankful for what God has given you. And happy freedom day :)

My Pop Pop

So I'm sitting here on my couch eating rainbow chip frosting (I know, I know...SO bad for me) and sort of watching the TV, but mostly just thinking...and trying to figure out why i feel like every bug in existance is eating me alive (oh I just killed one!)

I wish I could say I've learned some profound lesson in the past few days, even in the past few weeks, but that would be exaggerating. At least, that's what it feels like. It's been so busy around here, with my Pop Pop in and out of the hospital and my Grandmom staying here, and me trying to pick up as many hours as possible at work. I think I just got so busy, so stressed, that I forgot to slow down and realize what God's been trying to say to me. Honestly, I still don't know even as I look back at the past few weeks. But I know He's been present.

I think the biggest way I've seen God work is in Pop Pop. God's saved him so many times recently. Pop Pop's so tired of fighting and I know he just doesn't have the energy to keep this up, but I've seen so much strength in him lately that I know isn't his own. I mean the man's in the hospital for congestive heart failure and he's joking with the nurses. But that's one of the qualities I always admired about Pop Pop was his strength. It seemed he always knew the right thing to say and the right attitude to have...I could feel like the world was falling apart and I knew his was too, but he never let it show.

God's been working on him his whole life...I know that much. I think he's finally come to realize that, too. I think he's finally recoginized God as his Lord and Savior and I can't even express how happy that makes me! His time is coming quickly to an end but I know he's had an amazing life.

there's nothing like family

So today was father's day, obviously. We went to my grandparents' house for dinner...basically the whole family was there. Somehow we ended up looking through old pictures and hearing stories from when my grandparents were younger. Honestly, it's one of my favorite things to do. (Matt was probably bored but oh well haha). I just love hearing what life was like back when they were growing up. I want to know the circumstances around the people they've become. I mean think about it...the world we grew up in has a lot to do with who we are today. Of course it's not everything, but it really does have an impact.

For example, my grandparents grew up during the Great Depression. Pop Pop told me tonight about how he and his brother would go out and work every day and bring every cent home to his mother so she could buy food for dinner that night. That helped him develop a really strong work ethic which in turn brought him a lot of success with his business and a ton of connections. Now a lot of kids are just handed stuff so they don't even need to learn to work for it. Even those of us who do work are working for our own money, not to bring home every cent to our parents to put dinner on the table. It's a different world and we grew up a different way.

But no matter what kind of person we are, no matter who we know or how hard we work, I've realized that we all face the same thing in one way or another: death. I said to Pop Pop that he's lived a good life and he said "I have, but I'm payin for it now". I'm not sure that's really the right way to put it, but he had a point. He lived an amazing life...I don't think there's a thing he didn't do that he wanted to do. But he's suffering just like so many others. He's facing death just like every one of us will at some point. And I don't say this to be morbid, but it's something to think about. What's worth our time here on earth and what's just a waste? And more importantly, where are we going when we die? I know I'm going to heaven and I hope you who's reading this know where you're going too, but there's only two ways to go and it's a choice. So I just hope you choose the right one. But it's something to think about...and I guess there's really nothing like family to get you thinking sometimes.

updates and such

So I know I said I'd update about my sister's audition, but I never got around to it. Basically we were in the rain for 14 miserable hours and she didn't make it :( But we're going to Orlando so she can try again so I'm not exactly that upset. Just pray she gets it this time because she really deserves it!

Something else that's been eating away at me though...yesterday (Friday) was 1 year since we landed in Cambodia. A year ago I was taking in the shock of poverty and the life of a citizen in a third world country. Now I'm sitting here in the comfort of my room writing about it. It's just ironic how things work out sometimes, I guess...I mean, I thought I'd be back there by now. I can't be though. God had different plans for me. I still haven't figured out exactly what good I'm doing here, but I know there's a reason God kept me back in Jersey for the summer.

I miss those girls though...probably too much sometimes. Sometimes it gets to the point where it physically hurts. I know God's taking care of them, though. I just wish I could be there to watch them and help them grow close to Him along the way. Maybe one day I'll see the results of the work He's done in their lives. I'll be back there someday...I can guarantee that.

And an update on my Pop Pop...he's doing much better. He's out of the hospital which is amazing. He even baked a cake for us today. I saw him today and he looked a lot better than I've seen him in a long time. But the doctor said his looks are deceiving, he looks a lot better than he actually is. So he still definitely needs prayer. He doesn't have much longer and it scares me to death, but I think he's accepted that fact and he might even be ready to go home. I just have to trust that God knows what He's doing with my Pop Pop.

I guess that's about it for now...happy father's day and all that. And really, take a chance to tell someone you're thankful for them, whether it's your dad for father's day or someone you know you won't have around much longer. They deserve to know.

on the road again

If I thought people would actually read the whole thing I feel like I could write a short novel about this weekend. But, I know the attention span of most people, and my own attention span, so I'll keep it short. I do have to share some of it though.

We'll start with Thursday. My mom took my Pop Pop to the doctor's for a check-up on his lungs (he has emphysema if you didn't know) and he ended up having to go to the hospital. His oxygen levels in his blood were way too low. The circulation was so bad they couldn't even put the IV in his vain because there was no blood in it. So that was scary. He's doing much better, but he's still in the hopsital and definitely needs a ton of prayer.

Then Friday night my sister and I left for Boston so she can audition for American Idol! We drove through the night and Saturday (today) has been the single longest day of my life. I've pulled all-nighters before, but not like this. We got to the stadium where the auditions are around 3:30 AM. Luckily there was no line and there was staff there already so she was able to register without even waiting in line. But then we had nothing to do. We tried sleeping in the car while waiting to check in at the hotel, but we couldn't do it anymore so we came early to the hotel. Super 8 - awful! I hate this place! First they place us in a smoking room and won't move us to the room we orginially reserved without paying extra. Then there was hair in the towels!! Gross! And we tried to get a couple hours of sleep in but we had very noisy neighbors that make this quite difficult.

Finally we left and we were able to go to Boston. We even went to this place called "Kick Ass Cupcakes" (excuse the language!) and got some amazing cupcakes! So it all ended up okay, but it's been a long day! Now, at 8:20 I'm lying in the hotel bed writing this after listening to Maggie practice for auditions in the morning. I'm looking forward to more than 2 hours of sleep tonight! But we have to get to the stadium between 2 and 5 in the morning so it's gonna be another long day ahead of us! I'll be sure to update you on how everything goes when I get home. But for now just pray she does well...she deserves this!

reality vs fantasy...

We live in a time when it's easy to leave the real world and switch over to some fantasy life at the click of a button. I mean think about it. Between video games, movies, music, and tv it's easy to turn one on, maybe even two, and escape to a different life for a while. Maybe that's why we like entertainment so much. We can be that star player on a sport team. We can be the girl that every guy dreams of. I think most of all, when we tune into someone else's fantasy life, we imagine we can be enough.

At this point you're probably like wow, this girl takes her movies way too seriously but think for a minute. When you engage yourself in some sort of entertainment, you're usually watching or (in the case of video games at least) even pretending to have someone else's life. Whether you admit it or not, whether you even realize it or not, chances are you're putting yourself in that person's shoes. When they have a problem you feel for them. When something goes their way, you're excited for them.

But how much of that do we carry into real life? I mean, reality's not like the movies. There's no cute moment when boy and girl meet. He usually doesn't have some cute line that will make her swoon and make out with him on the spot. He doesn't have the script that tells him she won't reject him. The fact is, we're human. We all screw up...sometimes a lot. We don't always say the right thing or even everything we wanted to say. We don't always do the right thing either. But that doesn't mean we can't try.

Like I said earlier, when we pretend to be these other people we usually feel like we're enough. I think in real life a lot of people feel they aren't enough. They think that once they're treated like the people in their games or their tv shows are treated, that's how they'll know they're enough for someone. But the truth is, you're already enough. I'm already enough. I don't need to change. And really, it's not my job to complete anyone. That's God's business. And I can't look to people to complete me. Because being enough doesn't mean completing others, it just means being all you can be for them and letting them do the rest.

me being real

So it's been brought to my attention by Stacy that I haven't written a blog in 4 weeks. That's a long time for me! The problem is that I haven't had much to write about. But if you've read any of my other posts you know that for the most part I write about what I've been seeing God do in my life and in the lives of people around me. So for a little bit I was really discouraged. I thought that since I haven't seen anything tangible that God's not doing anything...and I hate that feeling. I like when God's doing huge things...teaching me a life-changing lesson or healing someone who's hurting. But it's unrealistic to think that's how it always works. God works in small, subtle ways too.

I've been busy the past 4 weeks. I got a job, I've been catching up with friends, I've been trying to get back into the kind of life I lived when I was in high school - busy but fulfilling. But in all that I missed something. Coming home from a Christian school is a big change. Instead of being required to go to chapel 3 days a week I have to make a choice on my own to spend time with God. Quiet time's always been tough for me. As badly as I want to read the Bible, I never really learned how to read it in a way that makes it interesting and easy to understand. I'm learning, but I'm not quite there yet. And prayer, though much easier, gets hard sometimes because I get distracted so easily. And just being still, being quiet, that's tough for me most of the time. And so I missed God when I got home.

I'm about to get real with you here so bear with me: Lately I've been feeling really distant from God. It's not that I've been doing anything terrible or anything. I've acted normal, I've even felt normal. But I've been doing it on my own. I keep telling God "later. I'll start my relationship with you all over again tomorrow". But then tomorrow never comes. I've just been stuck in a rut.

And then Friday at youth group Pierce spoke on how God never leaves our side. And then we sang a song called "By Your Side" about how He's always with us. And then we broke into small groups and shared how we've seen Christ present in our lives and how we've been reacting to Him lately and it hit me. I've been pushing Him away and I've been a control freak. I mean, nothing's really been wrong recently so I keep thinking I have everything under control and it's all my doing but really it's all God. Without Him I'd be in such a huge mess right now but He's handling my life and so everything's falling into place. But the thought of my not being the one to do that for myself hurts a little so I've been pushing Him away. He stole my control. But the truth is I never had it. It's all been up to Him since day 1 and I'm doing my best to acknowlege that now.

I hope this made sense...it's been a long time since I've written and honestly I didn't think much while I wrote. But that's my life and what's been on my mind the past few weeks. Don't judge me for it, it's just me being real.

I was thinking...

Ever wonder where you'll be in 5 years? 10 years? 30 years? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I'm not sure why...maybe it's the whole end of the year thing. I've been hearing what people are doing after they graduate, big plans to change lives. It makes me wonder. Where am I gonna be a few years out of college? Will I be living at home with a job at Blockbuster still (or again, I guess) or will I be married and helping my husband pursue his dreams. And will I be pursuing my own dreams? What kinds of sacrifices will I be making?

But I was thinking...maybe that's not what matters right now. Yeah, what I do now might affect that me 5 years down the road, but I should be focusing on now. Getting through finals, finding a job, finding a car I can afford. Appreciating my family, my friends, my boy, the girls I met this year that changed my life. I've got a long road ahead of me, God willing, so I guess I should probably enjoy the scenery while I'm at it, right?

taken

As usual I have a lot on my mind at a late hour. Suprised? Well, here it goes...and be gentle, this is close to my heart.

I went to see Taken tonight. If you haven't heard of it, it's a movie about the sex trade. If you haven't heard of that, read my other blogs...most of them have something to do with it haha. But the movie just keeps replaying in my mind. Well, not all of it. Not the parts where he unrealistically kills like 7 people in about 5 minutes. But the parts about prostitution are what stuck with me. It's been a long time since I've seen a movie like this one. I can't close my eyes because when I do, I see a 17 year old beautiful girl being auctioned off to a bunch of rich men. Or I see a 19 year old girl handcuffed to a bed with no pulse. Those are the parts that stuck with me.

But there's one line that got me. It made me so angry. The man told the girl's father "It's just business, it's nothing personal." I've been thinking about that ever since. It's nothing personal. But, see, it is personal. It hit me (and yes I already knew this but it really hit me) that each girl out there being sold for a few bucks behind a curtain or being auctioned off for $500,000...that girl is someone's daughter. She's someone's sister. She's someone's friend. Even the girls who are sold by their own parents, I have a hard time believing it was an easy decision for those parents. Maybe it was, who knows, but I like to believe it wasn't easy.

I hope these images leave my mind. I keep thinking of the girls I met in Cambodia. I can't bear to think that they went through anything similar to what that movie portrayed. I don't want to think that they've been raped over and over just because their parents needed some money. But it's true, and you can't get rid of the truth.

Usually I like to make these blogs somewhat hopeful or uplifting, but that's not the spirit I'm in tonight. Is that wrong? It's just that movie was more than a movie to me...it was a rude reminder of what I've been called to change, even if I think I can't.

stressing but blessing (i'm so clever!)

It's been way too long since I've written. Since Easter weekend actually...that's a pretty long time. I don't know, maybe it's not, but I feel like Easter was months ago. It was just a couple weeks ago though wasn't it?

And so, here I am, a few weeks later, doing my best to get through the next couple weeks. I hate to say it like that, though. I mean, I like to enjoy every day as best I can, savor each moment and remember that I can't get it back. And yet, here I am in the same place I always fall back on - I can't wait until this part is over.

As I'm writing that, though, I feel very convicted. I mean, God gave me this life. He gave me today and He gave me the opportunity to be at this amazing school with some amazing people learning amazing things that will, and already have, changed my life. Shouldn't I be more grateful than this? I feel like I should be praising God for all the stress I have, but I'm not. Actually, let me rephrase that, I know I should be praising God through all the stress and I'm not.

It makes me think of the story of Job. It's kind of a difficult book to read and if you take stuff out of context you can really screw up your theology, but it's such a good story. The devil himself comes to God and asks permission to ruin the life of Job, an extremely godly man. The Lord knows Job hasn't done anything wrong, he deserves no punishment, but he also knows what will come of Job's suffering for centuries to come. (I bet He even knew I'd be writing about it today!) So anyway, the Lord lets Satan do what he wants as long as he doesn't take Job's life. So the devil takes everything from Job: his family, his land, his pride, his health, everything he has. Talk about stress...Job must have been beyond just stress - he had to be in utter despair. I mean all that's really been taken from me is my sleep and my free time (and a little bit of my sanity). And still, immediately after Job is told that his house has fallen on his children, Job says this:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart. ^c]">[c]
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21)

I mean seriously, Job? Your house has just collapsed and your kids are dead and that's what you have to say about it? "Praise the Lord"?? Does that blow anyone else away? Does it convict anyone else?

Like I said, I haven't exactly been praising the Lord in my stress. I haven't been cursing Him or anything, more neglecting Him. I try to spend my few minutes a day in the Bible and praying, but He deserves more than that, even if I don't like the circumstances around me. And that's another thing: He's unchanging. That means that just because the homework and the stress are piling up, it doesn't mean He's shrinking. He's just as huge and just as amazing as before.

I'm going to try to change my attitude though. I wasn't even thinking about any of this before I started writing, but God's convicted me in the past few minutes. I need to learn to praise Him throughout these next 13 days. So, God, may your name be praised.

good friday?

This Good Friday wasn't like most years. Usually I become very reflective, contemplative, whatever on Good Friday. This year I think I took the opposite route. I did my best to ignore it. You know why? Because I know I didn't deserve what Christ did and I couldn't let myself accept that He did it anyway.

So I went through the motions. If it came up, I acted like I was grateful and acted like everything was normal, but inside everything was all wrong. I didn't want God's forgiveness because I knew there was no way I could live up to it. I didn't want it because I knew I'd just screw up again anyway. And in my head I had this crazy idea like if I tried hard enough, I'd convince God I was right not Him.

Stupid, right? Well no one ever said I was smart. And besides, I think we all try stupid things sometimes when it comes to God. I guess it's because He's so hard to understand, so we box Him up and try to control Him. I know I'm not the only one...

But anyway, it didn't work of course. My thoughts, my actions, won't change a thing about history. Because what happened on Good Friday is more than just a legend. It's more than a good story. It's history. It's truth. And it's why I can get up in the morning knowing that His mercies are new and that what I did yesterday is over. It's a new day and I have a new slate. So hopefully I'll do my best to respect that new day with His new mercies. Of course, knowing my human nature I'm sure something will go wrong. But it's worth a shot. I think Jesus deserves my effort at the very least.

Jesus died on the cross for you whether you wanted Him to or not. It's up to you to accept it. It's all your choice now.

what could be worse?

Tonight my heart is heavy.

It's heavy for 27 million people around the world.

Or at least that's the estimated number...who knows? It could be more. About 27 million people are slaves today. Slavery still exists and it's right in our backyards. But we're not doing anything about it. 80% of those slaves are women. 50% of those slaves are children. Most of them are sold for sexual exploitation.

It's estimated that between 14,500 and 17,000 (it's hard to record them all) people are trafficked into THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA every year. Into a free country. Into our country. Of them, 70% are sold for prostitution or some other type of sexual exploitation. There have been reports of this in all 50 states.

The US has become one of the top 3 destinations for sex traffickers. Out of all the countries in the world enough people are brought into our country as sex workers to make us the 3rd most popular destination country.

Sex trafficking is a sickly profitable business. It's become an $8 billion international business. Wal-Mart, the largest company in the world as of 2008, only had a revenue of $378,799 last year.

But it's not about statistics. It's about lives. It's about individuals, just like you or me, being forced into something they don't want to do. They are worth so much more than $100. They are priceless. They're human beings with families, dreams, and hopes.

A story from North Korea/China:

"Nineteen-year-old So-Young stands at less than five feet tall after being chronically malnourished in North Korea. A refugee, she crossed illegally into China with hopes of a better life, but found instead a nightmare of sexual exploitation. An “employer” offered her approximately $1.40 per day in exchange for work—money that So- Young planned on sending back to her family. Deceived by this empty promise, So-Young spent the next several months being passed between handlers. Just days before she was to be purchased by a forty-year-old Chinese man, So-Young managed to escape with the help of a local pastor. Three years later, she was forcibly repatriated to North Korea where she was imprisoned for six months before escaping once more to China. Traffickers kidnapped her once again, repeatedly raping her prior to her sale. Her new “husband” also raped her multiple times before she was able to escape. So-Young remains in hiding today: “There are many people coming out of North Korea, but they don’t have anywhere to go and no other choice but to go that route [into China].”" Trafficking in Persons Report 2008

Sources for statistics:
UNC news
San Francisco Chronicle
Global 500

don't worry, be happy :)

This blog was inspired by multiple people's facebook status's...I won't lie. But also by talking to people throughout the past week or so.

Worry.

It's something most of us deal with, especially us girls. All of us worry about grades, family, finances, big projects, work, everything. But I think we forget way too easily who's in control. I mean think about it, we are loved by the creator of the universe. I don't think we realize the impact of that. He LOVES us! That means He cares about us and what happens in our lives. But He's the creator and He controls the world! He knows everything that goes on and He works everything together for the good of those who love Him. That doesn't mean it will be easy. In fact, life often gets really hard. But it does mean that He's watching out for us. Look at this passage from Matthew 6:25-34

Therefore I tell you, do no worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important that food, and the body more important that clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry saying, "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousnessm and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

That passage gets me every time. But the part that really sticks out to me is the last verse (which is in bold). Tomorrow will worry about itself! I tend to plan ahead...like way ahead. I had spring break planned out day by day two months before break even started! But I don't need to worry about tomorrow. He's got it. He's got me. If God's taking care of the birds and the flowers, why on earth would He not take care of me? Why wouldn't He watch out for His own daughter?

Because that's what you are if you've accepted Christ. You are His son or daughter. You are His! He's not just gonna let you go. No, He's got you. He's in control.

So don't worry so much. Yes, it's good to plan and it's good to have hopes and expectations, but don't worry your life away. Enjoy it. Be happy with it. It's a gift from God for you to enjoy.

i am good enough :)

Do you ever feel like you're not accomplishing anything? Like you're not good enough or not important enough?

If you know me at all you know that my biggest desire is to make a difference in this world. But sometimes that seems like much too big a task for such a plain, unimportant girl like me. (Of course, I have a God bigger than that desire and He can do amazing things through me, but that's not where I'm going with this blog...) I look around and I see people accomplishing things. I see kids my age doing amazing things for the kingdom of God, usually because they had the right heart in the right place at the right time. And believe me I'm thrilled for them! But sometimes I wonder, God, what are you waiting for? How come my right place and right time hasn't come? I get impatient.

But like I've written about before, God has a time for everything and there is no mistake in His plan.

Today I was inducted into the Tau Sigma honors society, an honors society for transfer students. Sure, I was a little proud of myself for being able to get into something like this, but there was one girl. One girl that was in my English class last year. She was my competition in that class. My goal was constantly to do better than her, though I knew it was near impossible. She tested out of her first TWO years of college. This is her first year and she's a junior! And it's easy for her! And I kept thinking, she's someone who's going to accomplish something. She's smart enough to do what she wants.

But God reminded me of something. I went up to shake the hand of our Vice Chancellor and he said, "Over 300 students and 38 of you are honored tonight for your academic excellence." And at that moment, as I leaned down to sign the roster (dramatic isn't it?) God said to me, See? You are good enough! He let me take a moment to be proud of what I had accomplished. To realize that I was capable of achieving something at least a little above average. And at that moment, on Mat 30, 2009, I realized that I could accomplish something. God has amazing plans for my life and I can't wait to see what they are.

God is like a GPS...kinda...

Hello to all four people who might read this :)

I'm sitting here waiting for my group to show up so we can begin working on our research project (yes, at 11:42 at night). Our project is to propose a study of post traumatic stress disorder in inner-city prostitutes. Heavy stuff, but of course I love it. Unfortunately, my group doesn't seem to be taking it as seriously and, though we have a month, we have a very very long way to go. It makes me a little nervous! But I'm sure we'll get it done.

You know what I was wondering? What if God told us everything we wanted to know about our futures? Would I actually want to know it all? In our prayer group class we talked about trusting God. Our teacher compared our journey through life to driving somewhere. These days it seems everyone has a GPS. And where would most of us be without one? I know I'd be going in circles. It's amazing how much we rely on those things. What's interesting, though is that we pretty much turn our minds off when we use one. It tells us to turn left, we turn left. It tells us to turn around, we mutter something about how did we miss that turn and then make a u-turn. And when it's silent we continue straight ahead.

What if that's how we treated God? Maybe not quite so mindlessly, but what if we just did whatever God told us to without question? He tells us to turn, we turn. He tells us to go back, we go back. He's silent and we keep going the way we've been going. No questions asked, just pure faith that He'll take us where we need to go.

But there's a significant difference between God and a GPS. (Well...there's a lot really, but for the purposes of the analogy we'll stick to this one). The GPS shows us quite a few steps at a time. We can look at the entire route before we even get in the car if we want. But God usually tells us one turn at a time. If he tells us two steps, it's like some miracle! But if He did tell us every step, every turn to make, would we take Him as seriously? I know I personally would be thrilled to know everything I needed to do and I would go and get it done, all with good intention of wanting to fulfill what God has purposed me to do. But I would probably become mindless to Him. I'd do what He wants only because He said to and I already know where I'll end up. I wouldn't need to rely on Him. I wouldn't need that blind, childlike faith that I try so hard to have now. Maybe knowing completely my purpose in life would make my life seem void of any purpose.

I think that's something I should keep in mind next time I ask God what His will is for my life. Maybe instead I should be asking, "God, what's the next step?" keeping in mind that He might just say to "keep straight ahead." (If only it was in that Australian accent I love so much on my Dad's GPS...)

a good God in a bad world

I've been learning something lately. There's some things I'll never understand, no matter how hard I try. And sometimes I'll know something in my head and even know it in my heart, but I have a hard time actually believing it. Like knowing God is a good God even though terrible things happen.

As usual, this blog comes back to sex trafficking. I've been reading articles. And as I read these articles about people who organize multi-state prostitution rings or drug children to kidnap them and force them to "perform tricks" on men 3 times their age, I hear through my headphones songs of how great our God is. It's hard to take both of those things in at the same time. It's hard for me to comprehend a great God when I read about how screwed up this world is.

I mean, if God's so great why doesn't he stop it all? Right? I know I'm not the only one to think that, no matter how good a Christian you might think you are. He's all powerful and He's loving and He's all knowing. So why is He just sitting back and letting all this crap happen? Can't He intervene? Can't He do something to stop these people? Can't He change their minds?

But then I remember two things: God has given us free will and He is on the side of those who are oppressed. It takes on both sides that way. God gave us a free will. If He didn't, what would be the point? But that means people can choose to do the wrong thing. And because Satan is so deceiving, he can make those wrong things look so tempting. So people continue to do it until it becomes mindless and there's no feelings against it. But that free will also means that when we make the right choices, they really are our choices. That to me is exciting! My choice to live my life for God is my own choice not something God made me do!
And there's the fact that He's on the side of the oppressed. That doesn't mean He loves them more than anyone else, but His heart breaks for them. He cries with them after the man leaves their hard dusty bed. He is next to them as they're beaten by their pimps. He never once leaves their side.

I know this because I saw it. I heard it. When I was in Cambodia, I heard stories from women who can't deny the fact that their Father in Heaven watched out for them the whole time. They told stories of when they felt there was no hope left, but they felt the strength to go on. That strength was God. They know that now.

It's hard for me to learn about these people who live to hurt others. It's hard for me to learn about them and still know that God is good. But I know it in my heart. I know it with all my heart, actually. God is good. He does not leave us in times of trouble, no matter what that trouble looks like.

Matthew 28:20 - "Behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age"

I'm so frustrated!!

First of all...I want to watch 24 but it's not loading! I've been waiting for 4 days to watch this stupid episode from season 3 and it won't load!

And secondly...they denied me for off-campus housing! What's that all about? We have this dumb rule that you're not supposed to live off campus till you're 21 and I'm not old enough so they won't let me! It would be "very unfair to other students". Unfair my butt. They've let plenty of other students live off campus that are too young. I know a few people right now who are 19 and living off campus. Someone else just turned 19 and didn't even have to appeal to get approved. So what's wrong with me? Ugh!!!

And I'm sick of decisions. Like big ones. Decisions like when I should graduate and should I go to grad school when I do graduate. Or which concentration should I be putting with my major. Or what should I be doing with my summer. Sick of it. Why can't it all just work out and be easy? But God forbid my decisions get a little easier.

Anyway I should go so I can figure out my classes for next semester (yay for more decisions...)
I need another break.

a legacy.

Don't ask yourself the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

- Harold Whitman

I'll be honest...I don't really know anything about Harold Whitman, but I came across that quote and, well, if he actually lived by that then my guess is he's not half bad. At first I was like What?? Don't ask what the world needs? Then how can I do anything worthwhile? And then I got it (probably because I read the rest of it...) The world needs people who have come alive.

This world is full of dead people. Not literally of course, but think about it. How many people do you think are really living life? I won't make myself look like an idiot and put some random percentage up here but I can tell you from my experience it's not too many. We're just a bunch of people walking around going through our day to day routines doing what we know we're supposed to do and saying what we know we're supposed to say. But how much of that actually means something? Seriously. Think about that for a few minutes.

So what makes you come alive? I believe with my whole heart that God has given each of us something that will bring us to life - a calling, you could say. For some that's children. For others that's teaching. For others still that's leading a major corporation. God's given us different talents and desires. For me, it's freeing women from forced prostitution. Just being near women from that background, even reading about them, gives me energy. It gives me a sense of purpose, a sense of calling. It brings me to life. I think that's God's way of telling me This is how you can leave a legacy. This is how I want you to make a difference in the world.

And that's exactly what I want! I want to make a difference in this world. Not just a small one, but a huge one. God's given me a desire to change this place. I know it's a temporary place, but the condition of this temporary home can make a huge impact on so many people's eternal homes. Something needs to change. Actually, a million things need to change. But I can't change them all.

And I guess that's where that quote comes in. If I ask what this world needs it's so overwhelming. It needs so much! But I can't do it all and I know that. So I need to do that one thing that brings me to life. Because the last thing the world needs is millions of dead people doing everything possible to bring change. We need living people doing what brings them to life so that others can be brought to life as well. And so, I want to be a very alive person who leaves a legacy that can help others find that life.

Does that make sense? Probably not, but maybe something in there did :)

my beloved

I haven't written in a few days. I guess that's not that bad but I've had so much on my mind. I've been wanting to get it all out and one of my best vents is this blog, but I haven't even known where to start.

But I'm listening to Kim Walker as I study for philosophy (actually I'm writing this...I interrupted my philosophy to write but that's beside the point) and she inspired me. In one of her "spontaneous songs" on the CD (track 2) she sings over and over "I am my Beloved's and He is mine"

I am my Beloved's...

Wow. I belong to God. I belong to the creator. I belong to the one who formed the entire universe. He cares enough to keep me around. It's hard for me to understand that. To understand why a God so huge and so amazing and perfect would unconditionally love me and care for me. Why do I even matter to Him? But it's not why. I'm learning that now. It's not why He loves me but it's that He does. Sometimes I think that's where we go wrong. We need to know the reason behind everything...the motive behind every action. But is it so wrong to accept something good once in a while? That's my problem a lot of the time. I have a hard time accepting something so amazing because I need to know why before I can trust that it's true. It's time I start accepting that God wants me. That though I'm not good enough for God, He sees me through the blood of His perfect Son. When God sees me He sees the blood of His Son. Are you getting that? I have such a hard time grasping the importance of that statement. He sees the blood of His Son...the blood of Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Without your sacrifice there would be no way I could even approach the throne of God. Now I can come sit in His lap and feel His arms around me because I belong to Him.

...And He is mine

There's so much meaning in that statement! He is mine?? Wow! The God of the universe is MY GOD! Did you ever think about that? It's overwhelming. We have Him in every circumstance. He's ours! He doesn't leave. That means in the amazing times when everything is going right. And it means in the hard times when our entire world is falling apart.
There's such a sense of ownership in that statement...He's mine. That speaks to me. This life I'm trying to live isn't just something from my parents or my friends. It's not even something from my church. No, it's something that I've made my own. God is mine. He's all I need. As long as I keep Him as my own I don't have to worry. Easier said than done, but so true. He's all I need. I don't need school. I don't need my family. I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need friends. Do I have them? Yes! Because I'm my Beloved's and He is providing for me. But could I live without them? It's hard to say it but I truly believe I could because I have God and He is all I need.


I don't know where most of that came from but all of it is exactly what I needed to hear. I think God just spoke to me through my writing. Honestly I wish I could say I came up with this blog on my own but I couldn't have. Every single word was something I needed to hear and there was no way I could have said it. To be honest I didn't believe some of it. I knew it but I didn't believe it. But God is speaking to me. I've been begging Him to and He's finally decided in His perfect timing to step in and work in me.

Isn't God awesome?

I've been thinking about all the people in my life. There's so many of them...people who have changed me and helped me to grow and encouraged me. People I can laugh with and cry to. Some of them I don't see anymore. Some I don't talk to nearly as much as I'd like. Some are in my life on a daily basis. But all of them have such a special place in my heart.

Wendy and Sarah had a huge role in helping me grow last year. I needed someone to pour into me and they took that job and did it perfectly. You girls may not realize what an impact you had on me in our short time of Life group but you taught me invaluable lessons and set such great examples and I'm so thankful for that.

And of course our precious Cambodia team had such an amazing impact on my life. Yes, the trip changed me, but girls don't think for one second you didn't make a difference in our team. If nothing else (although there was a lot else) you made a difference in me. You each played a part in helping me discover who I am and what my dreams and passions are. I love you girls.

Lauren, of course, you are amazing :) You've always been there for me when I need to complain or when I have a funny story to share. I don't know how you put up with me half the time but I sure am glad you do! You're one of the few people I know I can be absolutely completely real with and you won't judge. You always encourage me to go after my dreams even when they're completely ridiculous. I don't know what I'd do without you :)

Libbie, I know I mentioned our team already but you know that you've become an amazing friend. I wouldn't be the same without you, Lib. You've not only encouraged me to dream, but you've taught me how to dream. You showed me that truly nothing is impossible if God is involved. I'm so proud of you and everything you've done for yourself, for others, and for God's kingdom. Thank you for never giving up on me.

And Catie, don't worry I haven't forgotten about you!! Gosh, we've been through so much together. You know things about me that could really come back to haunt me if you ever hated me haha. But you're such a great friend. Always there when I need someone to cry to or just talk to...and of course always great for a laugh. I miss you!

Chelsea...ohh Chelsea. I miss you so much, girl. You've been there for me literally through everything. I don't know what I would have done without you all these years! You've been such an incredible friend to me. It's strange to think how different I'd be if I hadn't known you...probably a whole lot quieter!

Kristy, thank you. You took the time to pour into me even though you'd already left to go overseas. I feel so blessed because of that. You've taught me so much about how to rely on God and how to live my life for Him, simply by your example. You taught me that God can do amazing and awesome things through us if we just trust Him. That's a lesson that I really needed to learn.

And, of course, Matt (you didn't think I'd leave you out did you?). You've had such an impact on my life. You've watched me change over the past 2 and 3/4 or whatever it is years and somehow still love me :) You've taught me so much...how to be confident in myself, especially. While you drive me crazy so much of the time, I really am so thrilled that you're such a huge part of my life. If nothing else, I've learned that being me should be enough, and without you I might still be figuring that out.

There are so many other people who have touched my life, but I don't have time to go through them all. I love every single one of them dearly and would not be the same without them. Thank you for being someone I can count on. Know that you're all appreciated.

beautiful, bountiful, and lacking nothing

It's been a long week. Too long. But sometimes when you need something to refresh you it's right there in front of you.

In this case, as in most, that something was the Bible. I'd like to say I picked it up on my own and started reading and had some great revelation, but that would be a lie. Instead I dragged my exhausted self to Women's Ministry class and we read Genesis 1-3. Or at least we were supposed to...we actually only got through most of 2 because we were breaking it apart so much. We went through verse by verse.

I've read this passage SO many times in my life and I thought I got it. God created the heavens and the earth, He made Adam and Eve and told them to make babies, and then they screwed up like we all do and ate the fruit God told them to stay away from. But my teacher is amazing and she brought the passage to life. She has a way of making the Bible so exciting...something that wasn't much of a reality to me until last year. She explained parallels to the New Testament and to our lives and showed us why this story of creation is so important. There was so much that I wish I could share. But of course you'd probably stop reading and never actually hear it. So I'll tell you the part that really spoke to me.

"God saw that it was good"
Genesis 1 says that so many times that it might even get redundant. But look at this: The Hebrew (which is the language of the Old Testament) word for good is tobe. Tobe means (are you ready?) beautiful, bountiful, lacking nothing.

After God created each thing He said that it was beautiful. He said it was beautiful. He said it was lacking nothing. There was nothing wrong with it. Isn't it awesome what a powerful and good God we serve? When He creates, He doesn't make mistakes.

Now that's a refreshing thing to hear when you're whole week's been a streak of mistakes...

a hard lesson

"Wait for the Lord" -Psalm 27:14

That's something I never understood. We sing it in church all the time: "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord..." I think I get it now. I get it because I'm finally doing it. I'm waiting on Him.

Maybe I'm wrong, but when I think of waiting on the Lord I think of waiting for His timing. We hear it all the time - God's timing is perfect. But when it really comes down to it is that what we believe? When you've been praying for that one thing for a year now do you still believe that His timing is perfect, or are you impatient and feel that you're timing would be much better.

I was never a very patient person when it came to what I was asking God for. Yes, I would tell people all the time, "don't worry, God's timing is perfect and it will all work out for the best" but I never lived my life like that. Oh I thought I did. Until I stood back and took a look at my life.

Ouch.

Have you ever really done that? Looked at your life? It's painful. Most of the time we don't like what we see. I'm not sure who said it originally, but Matt's said it plenty of times: "We preach best what we need to hear most." So true. I thought I knew all about God's timing. I told people about it all the time. But when God made me wait on Him, I realized I didn't have it down so well.

But I'm working on it. When I realized it wasn't the right time for me to go back from Cambodia, I was so upset at first. That wasn't the timing I wanted. It was perfect for me...one year and I'd be back with the girls that stole my heart last summer. But God closed those doors and said loud and clear, "No. Not this summer." He never said when. I know I'll be back, but this summer was my timing not His.

So I'm learning. I'm learning that God will make it worth the wait. That it will be better than I could imagine as long as I go when He wants me to, not when I want to. It's hard, but I'm learning.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

today i wore a bracelet

Today I wore a bracelet.

I know that doesn't sound that exciting or impressive or anything but it was a special bracelet. It's special because it was hand made for me for by birthday by an even more special person. And that person changed my life, along with the others around her.

But I haven't talked to this girl in about 7 months. I can't, really. I guess I could write a letter but the chances of her getting it, especially of her understanding it, are slim.

Because this girl lives in Cambodia. She used to be a prostitute. Not by will, but by force. She used to be raped regularly. She used to be used constantly. She used to be sold for probably less than a dollar for a man's own selfish pleasure. She used to be beaten, abused, captive.

But now she's living in freedom. She's sewing and making jewelry to make a living. She's loved - not just by people around her but by her Creator. She recognizes that though she lived in bondage not too long ago, she is now free. Free from the brothel owner, free from the men who exploited her, free from the world she lived in.

And so, for my birthday, though we barely understood one another, she made me a bracelet, gave me a hug and put it on my wrist. Today I wore it and thought of her all day. Her and the other young beautiful women that changed my life this past summer. They will always have a place in my heart because God used them to change the course of my life. You never forget people like that.

So it's important that I wore that bracelet today.

stupid emotions

Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me.

I guess once in a while that's okay, but I think I let it happen too often. I let it ruin a day sometimes. One thing will just flip my mood. But I don't know how to control them sometimes. I'm sorry if I've ever hurt anyone because of it. I'm sure I have.

Maybe one day I'll learn to control my emotions a little better.

But, then, I guess being emotional comes with being a girl...

stress, hope, and prayer

So I'm sure you've never had too much to think about right? If that's true I envy you. However, my mind has been racing for the past few days. Not good if you ever want to sleep, by the way. So I thought I'd pour a few thoughts out onto here and out of my head.

The most annoying thing on my mind lately is school. It's only the third week and yet so overwhelming! I was doing great till this week (which only started yesterday haha) when I realized that everything snuck up on me at once. Tomorrow is our big presentation for our research project, Friday is my theology exam, and Monday...well Monday is when all hell breaks loose...Philosophy exam (death) Research exam (death) and Contemporary Issues exam (not quite death...but it's all about death). Maybe after Monday I'll be able to breathe again...although probably not for too long.

But I've also had good things on my mind. Hopeful things. Like prayer and faith.
Last week was spiritual emphasis week here at school. We had extra convocations (chapel) and listened to Clayton King speak. God was definitely moving on our campus! Matt and I joke sometimes about spiritual emphasis week because it seems like the emotions get the best of some people and all of the sudden everyone is giving their life over to Christ. But this week was different. It wasn't a "close your eyes and raise your hand while everyone has their head bowed...now while everyone still has their head bowed come to the front...no pressure no one's watching you" kind of week. No this was a "if you feel God pulling at your heart to declare Him as Lord then stand up and shout 'Jesus is Lord'" kind of week. Seriously that's what happened. About 20 people stood up and shouted for all 4-5000 of us that Jesus is Lord and then came down for prayer in the front. Such a different impact than when 100 people quietly pray the prayer, possibly even for the 10th time in their life and sneak down to the front. After all, being a Child of God is not something to hide. You might as well start off with a shout, right?

And, like I said, prayer is on my mind. I interviewed to be a prayer leader not long ago and, although I didn't get the position, I was asked to head up the prayer warriors group on our hall. I'm so excited about it but I don't know what to expect yet. I'll find out tonight though! It's just interesting that I was asked to do this because I've been trying so hard lately to be a prayerful woman of God. Not just someone who says she'll pray for you but someone who will pra and will keep praying until that prayer is answered. And someone who will personally come and check on you to see about any updates on that prayer request. Maybe God's trying to put me into a position where I'm forced to do that so I'll learn better :)

And then there's the worship team audition coming up. I decided to try out for one of the school's worship bands (they have about 5) and it's coming up on Thursday. I'm not sure how wise this decision was but I figured I'd take a chance and go for it. After all, I never do that so I might as well break the chain somewhere right?

And as always, I have Cambodia on my mind. Although, it's not really only Cambodia I'm thinking about. It's the women and children who are victims of sex trafficking all over the world. They ahve been on my heart and mind for such a long time. I keep sayng to God "it's not fair. How could you let them go through this. Can't you just stop them?" I think He spoke to me last night. Not out loud in a booming voice, but softly through my nightly devotion book. It was a short lesson about Joseph after he was put in jail for something he didn't do. The book said, "False accusations put Joseph in prison, but it was the Lord who stayed near him and nurtured his soul while he was there." And then I got it. Just like Joseph, these women had never done anything to deserve being where they are, but God is with them, staying by their side and nurturing them while they are there. The end of the story brings me hope. God brings people to Joseph who see his gift of interpreting dreams, a gift which later brings him to a position of power in Egypt. He is able to make a difference and he goes down in history for it. What if that's what God has planned for some of these women and children? Bringing them out of the ashes of dispair and into the beauty of hope and influence. Hey, God can do anything, right?

when the world gets you down

Life can get discouraging sometimes can't it? Maybe not necessarily our own lives but other's lives. I guess just the world in general. I came across a video from a news channel (I forget which one...maybe CNN?) about a sex trafficking business that was recently busted in Houston. This sparked my interest (obviously, since my passion is for victims of this crime) and I began searching for more information about sex trafficking in the US. Let's just say I was deeply discouraged.

New Jersey, my own state, has the highest number of strip clubs in the US. It has about 600 known sex establishments. And it's such a small state! But as I was reading this I was listening to my music and I heard the words "I will not forget that nothing is impossible." What great timing! Just when I was getting so discouraged and feeling as though this disgusting cycle and black hole of human trafficking could never be put to a stop I hear the words "nothing is impossible" and I realize my little faith.

But as much as I wish I had big faith, I guess little is okay for now right? After all, Jesus did say that faith like a mustard seed will move mountains. Have you ever seen a mustard seed? It's tiny! So I guess faith a little bigger than that can get rid of human trafficking right?

I think it's about our hearts. Do our hearts really long for these people to be free? Do they really have the faith that it can happen? And as I was thinking this, lo and behold the next song I hear says "give me a heart after your own heart." Weird. God was really working through my music tonight! But I thought, yes that's what I want. A heart after God's heart. A heart that reflects His heart that desires freedom and justice.

I need to remember that God is good. (Coincidentally, the next song said "you are good and your love endures). God did not desire for these people to be slaves. He wants them to be free. He wants them to experience the love he has for them. It's terrible what these people experience...I can't even imagine. But the fact that people are sinful and not good, doesn't mean that God's not good. I can't give up on him. He is good and there's nothing else to it. I need to trust him that he knows what he's doing.

Give me Jesus

In the morning when I rise...when I am alone...when I've come to die...give me Jesus.

The memories that come with that song...

In Cambodia this summer I heard that song all the time. Jenna sang it a lot in the morning when most everyone was still sleeping. Suprisingly I woke up pretty early there usually and I usually woke up to her singing it. For those of you who don't know Jenna she has an amazing voice. A gift from God...it can't be anything else. There's nothing like waking up to a gorgeous voice crying out and asking for Jesus in every aspect of your life. It really set the pace for the day for me. I wonder if she even knows I heard her most mornings...?

We sang that song last night at Fuel, which is a college youth group type of thing. We sang a ton of good songs last night but that one got me. I think because of that memory that comes along with it. I've had Cambodia on my mind almost constantly lately with trying to plan another trip and a song that triggered a memory from Cambodia just tipped the glass for me. As we sat there thinking about asking God what His will is for our lives we sang that song...Give me Jesus...and I almost cried right there. That's what I want. I want Jesus' will in my life. Every minute of every day. I want to know what He wants to do with me.

So that's my prayer tonight. Give me Jesus. Thanks to my beautiful friend Jenna that song has taken on such deep meaning and thanks to Fuel it's been renewed in my life. But most of all thanks to God it's going to happen. He's going to give me Jesus as long as I keep asking.

new year's resolutions

I don't normally make resolutions for the new year but this seemed like the year to do it. I'm not sure why...it just seemed necessary. Is it cheating since they're a few days late? Here they are in no particular order:

• spend more time reading the Bible
• pray intentionally every night
• go back to Cambodia
• keep in touch with friends
• get back in touch with older friends
• be more outgoing
• raise my gpa
• be more optimistic
• learn to say no
• get more sleep...at night not in the afternoon
• do something I never thought I could do
• make at least one new friend
• get to know a teacher as a person not just a teacher

I'm sure I'll come up with more...those are just from the past day or two. I guess I should get started on that more sleep one. Goodnight!!