east to west

I copied this from my notebook...I found myself needing to write but with no computer so here it is...copied from handwriting to my blog just for you :)

Right now I'm sinking into a gloriously comfortable leather couch in the student center, strategically placed to do some great people watching. Sadly, though, most of the people here are half asleep...including myself. So my mind started wandering and I pulled out my notebook to write it all down.

Last night my roommates and I stated what Caity would like to call some good old fashioned "soul diggin". Basically we want to start being there for each other - encouraging each other, holding each other accountable, and just plain listening. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. There's something different about friends who will actually take the time to do that.

But anyway, we started talking about God's grace. It's hard to truely realize the sufficiency of such grace. In fact, for me, it's hard to accept it sometimes. Sure, it's easy with the little stuff, a little white lie or seemingly harmless gossip. That's stuff I can forgive myself for, stuff I can easily forgive others for when it offends me. But then there's the big stuff. Things I regret, things that would ruin me if people found out. We all have something like that. That's when it's so hard for me to accept the free gift of God's grace. Suddenly it doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem good enough. I have trouble forgiving myself, so how could my Creator, who knows every incriminating little detail, even consider forgiving me?

And yet, He does. He forgives and more. He forgets about it. Psalm 103:12 tells us that God removes our sins as far as the east is from the west. They no longer exist - like it never happened. And He loves me. It doesn't matter what I do, He will never love me any more or any less. He already loves me as much as He possibly can. And I could take advantage of all this and say, I'm already guaranteed forgiveness, I might as well do it anyway, but how is that respecting the One who loves me unfailingly? How is taking advantage of someone's love showing them your love in return? That's not the way to treat the man who suffered and died for my sins 2000 years before anyone else even knew I existed, let alone my sin. But he hung there, on that splintered, bloody cross for me. He endured the whips and the mocking for me. He literally went to Hell and back for me. For me. It's hard to believe, but at the same time impossible not to. And say what you want but I know my God loves me and He forgives me every day for every little thing I do wrong. I can't fathom it and I have a really hard time accepting it sometimes, but it's true and I'm learning that.

Cambodia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok so for those of you who actually read my blog and I haven't told, here it is:

There's like a 95% chance I'm going to Cambodia for the summer!!!!

I don't wanna say 100% yet because there's still some details to work out and a lot of money to get, but it's been approved and all that good stuff :) But basically, I'm planning on doing my internship for psych in Cambodia at the same place I worked 2 summers ago.

I can't believe it's been that long since I've been there. It feels like I just got back a couple weeks ago. I can still see the girls faces, hear their voices, smell the dirty air (believe it or not I kinda miss the smell...is that weird?). I just want to be there so badly right now. My prayer is that God will keep this door open for me and use me in Cambodia in ways that I can't even imagine. I have faith and I'm determined not to let it die or fade. Because I've seen that big faith brings about big change and that's what I desire to see in the city of Phnom Penh. Huge change and a huge shift towards God.

thanks Lauren!

Lauren Fisher made my night!

Or at least...she inspired a blog for me. I think it's safe to say she made my night though...she does that every so often :)

She told me she read one of my posts and thinks I should write a book. I always wanted to do that! Just the fact that she told me that really encouraged me. I always wanted to write one of those books that inspires people to go out and do something huge. Or even just inspires enough people to do something small so that those small things add up to something huge. I guess I just want to inspire people. The only problem is, I have no idea what I'd write about! But maybe one day I'll figure it all out.

That's my thought of the night...one day I'll figure it all out. Well, I guess it's a little presumptuous to think one day I'll figure it all out...maybe not everything. I mean, how many people figure literally everything out. But one day, I'll know more than I know now. Isn't that how life's supposed to be anyway? But my problem is that I think I should know it all now. I'm too impatient to wait 10, 20, even 50 years to know some things. Who am I to think I should know everything now? I need to slow down and just be a kid. Yeah, I've got responsibilities, but I have to stop worrying. I have to stop planning so extensively. I have to stop wondering why I haven't figured out what will happen five steps down the road and just focus on this moment.

So one day a topic for that book will hit me. And I'll write it. You'll see my name one day on the New York bestseller list...or at least on the cover of a book. And you'll say to yourself, I guess she finally figured it out after all. But for now I'll sit here, do some homework, go on facebook like a normal kid, drink my vanilla latte and eat my chocolate chip scone. Because right now I don't have to worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself because every day has enough of it's own. (Matthew 6:34)