be careful little eyes

"Be careful little eyes what you see
Be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see"

Have you heard that song? Slow Flow by Casting Crowns. I heard it on k-love today. I wanted to stop the car and break down right there. I've heard that song before - it's not like this was a first for me. But somehow this time it really touched me. Be careful what you see, what you hear, what you expose yourself to. I've allowed myself to see and hear things that I could have avoided and I honestly think they've changed my life - and not for the better. I guess I'll just have to be more careful from now on. Even though I've grown up, I'm still God's child and I still need to protect myself.

my shell

It's been about a month and a half since I wrote last. I don't know why I haven't written...maybe discouragement because I know people don't read this anyway. Maybe just because I've been busy. Or maybe because I've been feeling the need to crawl back into my shell lately.

Yes, I have a shell. If you're reading this you probably know that already, but if you don't then there it is. And my shell takes over if I'm not careful. See, I used to hide so easily. I could pretend to be the strongest girl in the world while inside I was torn apart and wanted to burst into tears. But life's gotten the best of me at times and worn down that shell. But I guess while things got better my shell gained it's strength back and as soon as things got a little shaky I drew right inside of it.

So I'm trying to make my way back out of it. I realize that sometimes shells can be good - like a protective shell - but they can also be terrible. They can keep you from taking risks and being the person you want to be. They can trap you into a place you don't want to be stuck in.

I hate my shell. It's dark and ugly inside. But somehow it's warm and appealing at the same time. Maybe because I know it so well. Did you ever notice how even when something is awful it can still seem like home? That's my shell. But I hate it. I'm trying to get out. I just need someone to let me know that they want me out of there too. Sometimes I feel like people would rather have the fake always happy and always independent me than the real sometimes upset and sometimes needy me. But if just one person says they want the real me I'll be that for them. And notice that I said only sometimes upset and needy. That happy independent girl can be me sometimes too, just not all the time. So give me a chance.

grow up.

This week is just not working out for me too well.
Not only do I have 4 exams tomorrow (all my classes), but I've been talking a friend through some personal issues and realizing that other "friends" have some other issues - they've gotten real good at being hypocrites.

But then I guess it's not just them is it? It's people in general. I can understand non-Christians being hypocrites though. I mean at least they're not supposed to be living for God and following Christ's example. The rest of us, though? We should be ashamed.
Yes, we. I include myself in that. Although I don't consider myself a hypocrite often (I try to be real with everyone) I screw up too. I've talked behind people's backs. I've said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing, thought the wrong thing. Who hasn't?

I'm sick of it though. I'm sick of people thinking they're so much better than everyone else. If you're sitting there thinking you are then shame on you. You might be doing your best and good for you if you are, but you're not perfect. And if you're so great then go do something for the world.

Seriously, people, can you just get over yourselves? You have just as many issues as the people you're tearing down. If you're planning on talking about someone, take it to them personally. Don't talk about them like they're not gonna find out, because they probably will. Word spreads. And those people you're talking about everyone with? What makes you think they're not doing the same thing to you. If they'll do it with you chances are they'll do it to you. So stop talking about people like a bunch of 4th graders and bring it to each other personally like adults. Stop tearing each other down like bullies and build each other up like Christians are supposed to.

what this week is about

"Be still and know that I am God."

Be still.

How hard is that? It's so hard for me to be still in a world that says there's no time to stop. I'm sure I'm not alone! I think the only time I'm still is when I'm sleeping. But even as I lie in bed I'm not still. Until the last minute I'm awake thoughts are running through my mind.

But what exactly does "still" mean anyway? I looked it up actually. It means: remaining in place or at rest; motionless; stationary. Can a person actually truely be still? I mean we're always thinking, always breathing, always moving. But I think God is saying, "dwell on me. Turn your thoughts to me. Turn your heart to me." He doesn't want us to completely stop in the true sense of the word. He wants us to stop everything that keeps us busy, that distracts us. He wants all of us, not just the small part of our brain that can concentrate on Him.

So this week is about being still for me. It's about walking in the fall air and breathing in the peace He gives, even if I'm hurrying to class. It's about turning off One Tree Hill for an hour and reading God's Word.

And it's about knowing that He's God. Knowing He never changes, that He is in control, that He will never leave. Knowing that He is huge, He created the universe, and He holds it all in His hand. And knowing that He is my father and He loves me more than I'll ever know.

It's about being still and knowing He is God.

let's do this philly

I've been changed by many things. God mostly, but there have been circumstances and people who have changed me, too. The most obvious right now is Matt.

Only two or three years ago I didn't care one bit about sports. Baseball was boring and I thought the Phillies sucked anyway so why even bother. Then I met Matt. Matt has more of a passion for Philadelphia sports than anyone I've ever met. I guess passions kinda flow over because he got me excited. I've been watching sports and enjoying them!

Right now it's the Phillies. We're so close to winning a world series. A WORLD SERIES!!! Do you know how exciting that is? Especially for Philly, who hasn't seen a championship in way too many years.

But we're gonna win this one. I have no doubt in my mind that the Phils will take the title of world champions this year...and I'm not missin that parade in Philly for anything!

Watch out Tampa! Philly's dangerous and you're certainly not on our good side!

i need you...

We sang a hymn in church yesterday. A little modernized - we didn't have the organs or the choir - but the same words, same tune, same beautiful message. It's all about how we need God. How we can't be without him for a single hour...a single minute really. I'll just give you the lyrics instead of trying to explain it.

I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
no tender voice like thine can peace afford.

I need thee, O I need thee;
every hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

I need thee every hour; stay thou nearby;
temptations lose their power when thou art nigh.

I need thee every hour, in joy or pain;
come quickly and abide, or life is vain.

I need thee every hour; teach me thy will;
and thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me thine indeed, thou blessed Son.

It's a lesson I've learned over and over: we need God. Plain and
simple. You'd think I'd get it by now...you'd think we'd all get it by
now. I mean how many times have you heard it? "You need God." Even as I
write this I listen to a song by Newsong that says "I need you, Jesus,
to come to my rescue." I hear it constantly. I need Jesus.

So why do I keep trying to do life on my own?

It's obviously not working. Every time I try to do it on my own I get frustrated. I need to remember the lessons I hear over and over. I need to hand over my burdens and let God take control.

Easier said than done I guess...

my dreams...their dreams...

I've been thinking. What else is new?

But I've been thinking about dreams. I read Jenna's blog today and that's what got me started. But my mind went in a different direction. I wondered...what makes my dreams different from anyone else's?

I guess that's not the best way to phrase that...bear with me while I work through this! But see, I was thinking about the girls in Cambodia, the people in Cambodia actually, and that got me thinking about the people everywhere in the world. Namely the impoverished, exploited, orphaned, etc. What kinds of dreams do they have? What kinds of dreams do I have? What kinds of dreams might they have had if they didn't have that life? What kinds of dreams might they have had before they had this life if they weren't born into it?

Do they want to be doctors? Lawyers? Pastors? Singers? Actors? Teachers?
Or do they just have dreams of having enough food to survive the week?
Do they have dreams of getting out of this life they so unfortunately got placed in?

And all this talk about life...it makes me think of how much emphasis we put on the temporary part of our lives and not on the eternal. But that's a whole new post there!

I guess what I really wonder is why am I fortunate enough to even consider having big dreams? I have dreams of changing the world. Maybe not the whole world, but at least getting something started that would change the world eventually. One life at a time...that's my goal.

But why can I dream of changing the world when these amazing people with amazing hearts can't think past today.

Because if he doesn't bring home enough money for dinner, he'll be beaten unconscious.
Because if she doesn't perform enough tricks on enough men, she has no hope of paying off her debt.
Because if no one picks him to adopt he'll be left in this cold, overcrowded orphanage.
Because if she doesn't sell enough at the market, her baby brother might starve.

So why is that what they have to think about, dream about, while I have enough money to last me a while and I'm safe in my warm bed, my biggest worry being getting my homework done in time for class on Monday. I didn't do anything to deserve to dream. Somehow I ended up here though...

That's something to ponder for a while...

WORLD SERIES?? WHAT??

ummmm, yeah. Phillies are pretty much incredible. We're going to the World Series!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it!!! I almost got reps for missing curfew but I made it here on time...but they would have been totally worth it. That game was unbelievable!! I may not know much about baseball but heck I'm still pretty freakin excited right now!!!!!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!! GO PHILS!!!

one year

"One year you come back. One year."
I need to go back; I can't stay here forever.
Those girls need people to love them.
I need those girls.
They have brought me to tears too many times.
Tears on their account, not on my own.
Tears that flow because theirs can't anymore.
They have brought me to my knees in prayer.
Prayers that they don't know how to pray.
Prayers that I, myself, can't always pray.
My heart has broken for them.
Broken because theirs are too broken to break again.
Broken because I love them.
Yes I love them.
The ex-prostitutes.
Because of their pasts.
Because of their hope.
Because of their kindness.
Because of their devotion.
Because of their smiles.
Their beautiful smiles as they say to me,
"One year you come back."

beautiful dresses with ugly intentions

The orphan clings to Your hand
Singing the song of how he was found
The widow rejoices
For her oppressors are silenced


The runaway falls at Your feet
You are what he has searched for
The rich man is broken
When he stands beneath a sky full of stars


You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

-"You Are On Our Side" by Bethany Dillon

It's almost 1:30. I should be sleeping.

But my heart is heavy.

My heart has been breaking and healing and breaking again too much in these past few days. I've thought of Cambodia so much. I've thought of the women I left behind there. The children that were so inspiring. The men who were so disgusting. The sights that were exciting. The sights that were sickening. The potential. The helplessness.

I'll never forget it. It was my first trip overseas and it changed my life. It changed my perspective. I thought by now I'd be back to the way I was before this summer. How wrong I was to think that! Life has gone on, but what I've experienced won't leave me.

There's one image that won't leave my mind.

Women, beautiful but sad, dressed in evening gowns and sitting in chairs outside a restaurant.

Beautiful evening gowns with disgusting intention.

We passed that place almost every day and I couldn't get used to that sight. I can't say I know for sure what they were doing there, but I made an educated guess.

I guessed they were being exploited.

Used.

Bought.

Sold.

Put it however you want. The point is they were there and they weren't happy.

And that image - that disgraceful sight - will not leave me. It breaks my heart that while I'm here at school learning so I can have a good future, girls my age, girls youger than me are being sold to fulfull the selfish desires of selfish men. I hate it. I want them to be here in my place. I want to get them help. I want to give them normal clothes, not showy evening gowns. I want to love them purely, not allow them to be forced to make "love" with strange men.

But for now I am here. I can't be there so I must make the best of being here. The song at the beginning of this post has kept me going. It's reminded me over and over that God still wants me. But it's also reminded me that Jesus would love the women the world hates. And, much harder for me to grasp, he would love the men that use and abuse them.

It's a tough wake up call.

the real world?

Do you ever feel like you're wasting your life?

Gosh, who doesn't ever feel like that, I wonder.

Sometimes I just wish I could start life. Like I'm here at college just pretending to be living my life, but I feel like I could be doing so much more if I could just jump out into that "real world" finally.

You know...that "real world" that everyone says exists? I haven't seen too much of it. I got a glance of it in Cambodia this summer. I guess that's why I loved it so much there - it was my first glimpse of what's actually going on in the world. Yeah I've read stories and learned things in class. I've taken notes, given speeches, prayed for issues...all for things I'd never seen or experienced.

I don't think hearing is enough. But sometimes that's all we do, isn't it? We hear it, we feel sorry, maybe even give a dollar or so to a charity, and then move on with our lives.

That is, what we think our lives are.

But I'm sick of the life I'm living. I want to make a difference. Not just a small one like a dollar's worth of difference. I want to change lives. I want to be a part of changing nations. I want to be involved in changing the world.

But those are huge ambitions for a small little college student like me. Who am I to make changes like that?

I guess I'll have to do my best to keep trusting God and to be content with where I am.

It's all your's, God. Do what you will with this small life.

home sweet home

So here I am...lying in my bed at home. Well..sort of my bed. My parents actually gave my sister my mattress! Can you believe that? I come home looking forward to sleeping in my bed and my mattress is different! Terrible. But I'm dealing with it :)

It's good to be home. I slept in this morning, watched tv for the first time in weeks, got my hair cut by my lovely cousin, went out to my favorite restraunt, and came home and watched the VP debates. It was a pretty good day. I have to get up early for a dentist appointment tomorrow though. No fun! I'm going to the Harvest Crusade tomorrow, though, with a couple friends. I'm so excited to see them and to see what God's going to do tomorrow night. I have a feeling it's gonna be an awesome experience. I'm sure I'll be posing another blog about it soon!

There's things I miss about school though. Certainly not the homework or classes, but there are a few things. Like my friends and my roommates. I woke up this morning so confused because my roommates weren't there! Oh I miss those girls. Or seeing my boy every day :) Haha it's been almost 2 days since I've seen him. Oh poor me. Just kidding I'm not that bad! After all I've spent much more time than that away from him! But I did get used to seeing him all the time. Believe me I can't believe how blessed I am for that! And what else do I miss? Hm...oh I know! The toilets! Yes that's strange I know, but the toilets in our dorms flush automatically. I can't tell you how many times I've almost forgotten to flush the toilet since I got here! Hey, it's the little things that make life big, right?

Well, on that note, I'm off to bed. I'll be posting again soon about the Harvest Crusade! Love to all of you :)

P.S. Phillies won!! Woohoo!!!!

giving it up

I don't have much to say today except welcome to my new blog :)
Maybe it seems strange to some of you that I'm starting a blog, but I just have so much to say and this seems like the easiest way to get it all across. For those of you who think I'm putting my life online rest assured - I will keep all personal information off of the site so no creepy stalker people get a hold of me! I'll be using this to let you know how I'm doing here at school and let you in on what God's been teaching me, what others have been teaching me, what I've been thinking about...all that good stuff.

You might have noticed the name of my blog (if not, look up...it's those words in the big bold font!). I named it "Nothing Held Back" after a song called "Nothing Back" that we sing in convocation here at school. The words are under the title. It's a beautiful and important song in my life. It reminds me that nothing I am actually belongs to me. Rather, all of me belongs to God. But so often I hold things back from Him - habits, feelings, experiences - and won't let Him take them from me. Sadly, the things I hold on to most tend to be those things that hurt me most. I'll never understand why I do that, but I do. That's why I love this song. It reminds me to give those things to God. I don't need to hold on to them. He'll take them away and get rid of them for me. It's a process but I'm learning.

So with that in mind, I'm ending this so I can go do my homework before meeting Matt for dinner. I'll be home this weekend and I can't wait to see those of you from home!! Be sure to call me and we can do something! And Mommy...yes I am bringing home all my laundry! :)