It's been about a month and a half since I wrote last. I don't know why I haven't written...maybe discouragement because I know people don't read this anyway. Maybe just because I've been busy. Or maybe because I've been feeling the need to crawl back into my shell lately.
Yes, I have a shell. If you're reading this you probably know that already, but if you don't then there it is. And my shell takes over if I'm not careful. See, I used to hide so easily. I could pretend to be the strongest girl in the world while inside I was torn apart and wanted to burst into tears. But life's gotten the best of me at times and worn down that shell. But I guess while things got better my shell gained it's strength back and as soon as things got a little shaky I drew right inside of it.
So I'm trying to make my way back out of it. I realize that sometimes shells can be good - like a protective shell - but they can also be terrible. They can keep you from taking risks and being the person you want to be. They can trap you into a place you don't want to be stuck in.
I hate my shell. It's dark and ugly inside. But somehow it's warm and appealing at the same time. Maybe because I know it so well. Did you ever notice how even when something is awful it can still seem like home? That's my shell. But I hate it. I'm trying to get out. I just need someone to let me know that they want me out of there too. Sometimes I feel like people would rather have the fake always happy and always independent me than the real sometimes upset and sometimes needy me. But if just one person says they want the real me I'll be that for them. And notice that I said only sometimes upset and needy. That happy independent girl can be me sometimes too, just not all the time. So give me a chance.
2 comments:
katie! that was so well said.. i definetely know how you feel! its funny.. because i think everyone feels that way.. but for some reason.. we think we are the only one.. everyone feels like that have to be fake sometimes.. and that just becomes so easy and natural to do.. i find that especially as Christians.. cause for some reason we think that we should have everything together.. and our lives should be perfect.. but in reality they arent and we need other Christians to reach out to us and make us realize that we aren't alone.. and we are in this together.. and we all have problems.. but anyway.. haha.. im excited to have lunch with you friday! lets come out of our shells, okay?? love you!
hey Katie,
read your posts. i can understand your feelings too. there's def. pressure to be fake or where that mask.
let me just say that i'd love for you to feel free to be the real you whenever you want. that's a good thing. and i think people like the real you.
if they can't handle it- not your problem. :) but i don't think that'll be a problem.
i think one of the best things we can do is simply be real with each other. but, yeah, it is definitely a challenge sometimes.
and, yeah, i agree with justine- that we need each other. and we're family, right?
with a brother's love -erikv
Post a Comment