my beloved

I haven't written in a few days. I guess that's not that bad but I've had so much on my mind. I've been wanting to get it all out and one of my best vents is this blog, but I haven't even known where to start.

But I'm listening to Kim Walker as I study for philosophy (actually I'm writing this...I interrupted my philosophy to write but that's beside the point) and she inspired me. In one of her "spontaneous songs" on the CD (track 2) she sings over and over "I am my Beloved's and He is mine"

I am my Beloved's...

Wow. I belong to God. I belong to the creator. I belong to the one who formed the entire universe. He cares enough to keep me around. It's hard for me to understand that. To understand why a God so huge and so amazing and perfect would unconditionally love me and care for me. Why do I even matter to Him? But it's not why. I'm learning that now. It's not why He loves me but it's that He does. Sometimes I think that's where we go wrong. We need to know the reason behind everything...the motive behind every action. But is it so wrong to accept something good once in a while? That's my problem a lot of the time. I have a hard time accepting something so amazing because I need to know why before I can trust that it's true. It's time I start accepting that God wants me. That though I'm not good enough for God, He sees me through the blood of His perfect Son. When God sees me He sees the blood of His Son. Are you getting that? I have such a hard time grasping the importance of that statement. He sees the blood of His Son...the blood of Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Without your sacrifice there would be no way I could even approach the throne of God. Now I can come sit in His lap and feel His arms around me because I belong to Him.

...And He is mine

There's so much meaning in that statement! He is mine?? Wow! The God of the universe is MY GOD! Did you ever think about that? It's overwhelming. We have Him in every circumstance. He's ours! He doesn't leave. That means in the amazing times when everything is going right. And it means in the hard times when our entire world is falling apart.
There's such a sense of ownership in that statement...He's mine. That speaks to me. This life I'm trying to live isn't just something from my parents or my friends. It's not even something from my church. No, it's something that I've made my own. God is mine. He's all I need. As long as I keep Him as my own I don't have to worry. Easier said than done, but so true. He's all I need. I don't need school. I don't need my family. I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need friends. Do I have them? Yes! Because I'm my Beloved's and He is providing for me. But could I live without them? It's hard to say it but I truly believe I could because I have God and He is all I need.


I don't know where most of that came from but all of it is exactly what I needed to hear. I think God just spoke to me through my writing. Honestly I wish I could say I came up with this blog on my own but I couldn't have. Every single word was something I needed to hear and there was no way I could have said it. To be honest I didn't believe some of it. I knew it but I didn't believe it. But God is speaking to me. I've been begging Him to and He's finally decided in His perfect timing to step in and work in me.

Isn't God awesome?

I've been thinking about all the people in my life. There's so many of them...people who have changed me and helped me to grow and encouraged me. People I can laugh with and cry to. Some of them I don't see anymore. Some I don't talk to nearly as much as I'd like. Some are in my life on a daily basis. But all of them have such a special place in my heart.

Wendy and Sarah had a huge role in helping me grow last year. I needed someone to pour into me and they took that job and did it perfectly. You girls may not realize what an impact you had on me in our short time of Life group but you taught me invaluable lessons and set such great examples and I'm so thankful for that.

And of course our precious Cambodia team had such an amazing impact on my life. Yes, the trip changed me, but girls don't think for one second you didn't make a difference in our team. If nothing else (although there was a lot else) you made a difference in me. You each played a part in helping me discover who I am and what my dreams and passions are. I love you girls.

Lauren, of course, you are amazing :) You've always been there for me when I need to complain or when I have a funny story to share. I don't know how you put up with me half the time but I sure am glad you do! You're one of the few people I know I can be absolutely completely real with and you won't judge. You always encourage me to go after my dreams even when they're completely ridiculous. I don't know what I'd do without you :)

Libbie, I know I mentioned our team already but you know that you've become an amazing friend. I wouldn't be the same without you, Lib. You've not only encouraged me to dream, but you've taught me how to dream. You showed me that truly nothing is impossible if God is involved. I'm so proud of you and everything you've done for yourself, for others, and for God's kingdom. Thank you for never giving up on me.

And Catie, don't worry I haven't forgotten about you!! Gosh, we've been through so much together. You know things about me that could really come back to haunt me if you ever hated me haha. But you're such a great friend. Always there when I need someone to cry to or just talk to...and of course always great for a laugh. I miss you!

Chelsea...ohh Chelsea. I miss you so much, girl. You've been there for me literally through everything. I don't know what I would have done without you all these years! You've been such an incredible friend to me. It's strange to think how different I'd be if I hadn't known you...probably a whole lot quieter!

Kristy, thank you. You took the time to pour into me even though you'd already left to go overseas. I feel so blessed because of that. You've taught me so much about how to rely on God and how to live my life for Him, simply by your example. You taught me that God can do amazing and awesome things through us if we just trust Him. That's a lesson that I really needed to learn.

And, of course, Matt (you didn't think I'd leave you out did you?). You've had such an impact on my life. You've watched me change over the past 2 and 3/4 or whatever it is years and somehow still love me :) You've taught me so much...how to be confident in myself, especially. While you drive me crazy so much of the time, I really am so thrilled that you're such a huge part of my life. If nothing else, I've learned that being me should be enough, and without you I might still be figuring that out.

There are so many other people who have touched my life, but I don't have time to go through them all. I love every single one of them dearly and would not be the same without them. Thank you for being someone I can count on. Know that you're all appreciated.

beautiful, bountiful, and lacking nothing

It's been a long week. Too long. But sometimes when you need something to refresh you it's right there in front of you.

In this case, as in most, that something was the Bible. I'd like to say I picked it up on my own and started reading and had some great revelation, but that would be a lie. Instead I dragged my exhausted self to Women's Ministry class and we read Genesis 1-3. Or at least we were supposed to...we actually only got through most of 2 because we were breaking it apart so much. We went through verse by verse.

I've read this passage SO many times in my life and I thought I got it. God created the heavens and the earth, He made Adam and Eve and told them to make babies, and then they screwed up like we all do and ate the fruit God told them to stay away from. But my teacher is amazing and she brought the passage to life. She has a way of making the Bible so exciting...something that wasn't much of a reality to me until last year. She explained parallels to the New Testament and to our lives and showed us why this story of creation is so important. There was so much that I wish I could share. But of course you'd probably stop reading and never actually hear it. So I'll tell you the part that really spoke to me.

"God saw that it was good"
Genesis 1 says that so many times that it might even get redundant. But look at this: The Hebrew (which is the language of the Old Testament) word for good is tobe. Tobe means (are you ready?) beautiful, bountiful, lacking nothing.

After God created each thing He said that it was beautiful. He said it was beautiful. He said it was lacking nothing. There was nothing wrong with it. Isn't it awesome what a powerful and good God we serve? When He creates, He doesn't make mistakes.

Now that's a refreshing thing to hear when you're whole week's been a streak of mistakes...

a hard lesson

"Wait for the Lord" -Psalm 27:14

That's something I never understood. We sing it in church all the time: "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord..." I think I get it now. I get it because I'm finally doing it. I'm waiting on Him.

Maybe I'm wrong, but when I think of waiting on the Lord I think of waiting for His timing. We hear it all the time - God's timing is perfect. But when it really comes down to it is that what we believe? When you've been praying for that one thing for a year now do you still believe that His timing is perfect, or are you impatient and feel that you're timing would be much better.

I was never a very patient person when it came to what I was asking God for. Yes, I would tell people all the time, "don't worry, God's timing is perfect and it will all work out for the best" but I never lived my life like that. Oh I thought I did. Until I stood back and took a look at my life.

Ouch.

Have you ever really done that? Looked at your life? It's painful. Most of the time we don't like what we see. I'm not sure who said it originally, but Matt's said it plenty of times: "We preach best what we need to hear most." So true. I thought I knew all about God's timing. I told people about it all the time. But when God made me wait on Him, I realized I didn't have it down so well.

But I'm working on it. When I realized it wasn't the right time for me to go back from Cambodia, I was so upset at first. That wasn't the timing I wanted. It was perfect for me...one year and I'd be back with the girls that stole my heart last summer. But God closed those doors and said loud and clear, "No. Not this summer." He never said when. I know I'll be back, but this summer was my timing not His.

So I'm learning. I'm learning that God will make it worth the wait. That it will be better than I could imagine as long as I go when He wants me to, not when I want to. It's hard, but I'm learning.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

today i wore a bracelet

Today I wore a bracelet.

I know that doesn't sound that exciting or impressive or anything but it was a special bracelet. It's special because it was hand made for me for by birthday by an even more special person. And that person changed my life, along with the others around her.

But I haven't talked to this girl in about 7 months. I can't, really. I guess I could write a letter but the chances of her getting it, especially of her understanding it, are slim.

Because this girl lives in Cambodia. She used to be a prostitute. Not by will, but by force. She used to be raped regularly. She used to be used constantly. She used to be sold for probably less than a dollar for a man's own selfish pleasure. She used to be beaten, abused, captive.

But now she's living in freedom. She's sewing and making jewelry to make a living. She's loved - not just by people around her but by her Creator. She recognizes that though she lived in bondage not too long ago, she is now free. Free from the brothel owner, free from the men who exploited her, free from the world she lived in.

And so, for my birthday, though we barely understood one another, she made me a bracelet, gave me a hug and put it on my wrist. Today I wore it and thought of her all day. Her and the other young beautiful women that changed my life this past summer. They will always have a place in my heart because God used them to change the course of my life. You never forget people like that.

So it's important that I wore that bracelet today.

stupid emotions

Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me.

I guess once in a while that's okay, but I think I let it happen too often. I let it ruin a day sometimes. One thing will just flip my mood. But I don't know how to control them sometimes. I'm sorry if I've ever hurt anyone because of it. I'm sure I have.

Maybe one day I'll learn to control my emotions a little better.

But, then, I guess being emotional comes with being a girl...