my beloved

I haven't written in a few days. I guess that's not that bad but I've had so much on my mind. I've been wanting to get it all out and one of my best vents is this blog, but I haven't even known where to start.

But I'm listening to Kim Walker as I study for philosophy (actually I'm writing this...I interrupted my philosophy to write but that's beside the point) and she inspired me. In one of her "spontaneous songs" on the CD (track 2) she sings over and over "I am my Beloved's and He is mine"

I am my Beloved's...

Wow. I belong to God. I belong to the creator. I belong to the one who formed the entire universe. He cares enough to keep me around. It's hard for me to understand that. To understand why a God so huge and so amazing and perfect would unconditionally love me and care for me. Why do I even matter to Him? But it's not why. I'm learning that now. It's not why He loves me but it's that He does. Sometimes I think that's where we go wrong. We need to know the reason behind everything...the motive behind every action. But is it so wrong to accept something good once in a while? That's my problem a lot of the time. I have a hard time accepting something so amazing because I need to know why before I can trust that it's true. It's time I start accepting that God wants me. That though I'm not good enough for God, He sees me through the blood of His perfect Son. When God sees me He sees the blood of His Son. Are you getting that? I have such a hard time grasping the importance of that statement. He sees the blood of His Son...the blood of Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Without your sacrifice there would be no way I could even approach the throne of God. Now I can come sit in His lap and feel His arms around me because I belong to Him.

...And He is mine

There's so much meaning in that statement! He is mine?? Wow! The God of the universe is MY GOD! Did you ever think about that? It's overwhelming. We have Him in every circumstance. He's ours! He doesn't leave. That means in the amazing times when everything is going right. And it means in the hard times when our entire world is falling apart.
There's such a sense of ownership in that statement...He's mine. That speaks to me. This life I'm trying to live isn't just something from my parents or my friends. It's not even something from my church. No, it's something that I've made my own. God is mine. He's all I need. As long as I keep Him as my own I don't have to worry. Easier said than done, but so true. He's all I need. I don't need school. I don't need my family. I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need friends. Do I have them? Yes! Because I'm my Beloved's and He is providing for me. But could I live without them? It's hard to say it but I truly believe I could because I have God and He is all I need.


I don't know where most of that came from but all of it is exactly what I needed to hear. I think God just spoke to me through my writing. Honestly I wish I could say I came up with this blog on my own but I couldn't have. Every single word was something I needed to hear and there was no way I could have said it. To be honest I didn't believe some of it. I knew it but I didn't believe it. But God is speaking to me. I've been begging Him to and He's finally decided in His perfect timing to step in and work in me.

Isn't God awesome?