So it's been brought to my attention by Stacy that I haven't written a blog in 4 weeks. That's a long time for me! The problem is that I haven't had much to write about. But if you've read any of my other posts you know that for the most part I write about what I've been seeing God do in my life and in the lives of people around me. So for a little bit I was really discouraged. I thought that since I haven't seen anything tangible that God's not doing anything...and I hate that feeling. I like when God's doing huge things...teaching me a life-changing lesson or healing someone who's hurting. But it's unrealistic to think that's how it always works. God works in small, subtle ways too.
I've been busy the past 4 weeks. I got a job, I've been catching up with friends, I've been trying to get back into the kind of life I lived when I was in high school - busy but fulfilling. But in all that I missed something. Coming home from a Christian school is a big change. Instead of being required to go to chapel 3 days a week I have to make a choice on my own to spend time with God. Quiet time's always been tough for me. As badly as I want to read the Bible, I never really learned how to read it in a way that makes it interesting and easy to understand. I'm learning, but I'm not quite there yet. And prayer, though much easier, gets hard sometimes because I get distracted so easily. And just being still, being quiet, that's tough for me most of the time. And so I missed God when I got home.
I'm about to get real with you here so bear with me: Lately I've been feeling really distant from God. It's not that I've been doing anything terrible or anything. I've acted normal, I've even felt normal. But I've been doing it on my own. I keep telling God "later. I'll start my relationship with you all over again tomorrow". But then tomorrow never comes. I've just been stuck in a rut.
And then Friday at youth group Pierce spoke on how God never leaves our side. And then we sang a song called "By Your Side" about how He's always with us. And then we broke into small groups and shared how we've seen Christ present in our lives and how we've been reacting to Him lately and it hit me. I've been pushing Him away and I've been a control freak. I mean, nothing's really been wrong recently so I keep thinking I have everything under control and it's all my doing but really it's all God. Without Him I'd be in such a huge mess right now but He's handling my life and so everything's falling into place. But the thought of my not being the one to do that for myself hurts a little so I've been pushing Him away. He stole my control. But the truth is I never had it. It's all been up to Him since day 1 and I'm doing my best to acknowlege that now.
I hope this made sense...it's been a long time since I've written and honestly I didn't think much while I wrote. But that's my life and what's been on my mind the past few weeks. Don't judge me for it, it's just me being real.
1 comment:
Finally!! :)
Trust me...the countless breaks/summers transitioning in and out of the Liberty bubble...I understand what you're going through.
You get used to routine, that it becomes so easy to be intimate with God being on campus. But I've known many people who've graduated or moved off campus, and with no "mob mentality" to push them, they slack off in the "do's and don'ts" area.
I even did it when I came home from graduation. I was exhausted. I slacked. As much as it pains me to admit it...but God loves me.
And He loves you too, Katie. No matter how often you attempt to reciprocate it. All He wants is your heart...and its clear that He has it. So...make sure its about quality time and not quantity time.
:) Its so good hearing your thoughts again.
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