So I'm sitting here on my couch eating rainbow chip frosting (I know, I know...SO bad for me) and sort of watching the TV, but mostly just thinking...and trying to figure out why i feel like every bug in existance is eating me alive (oh I just killed one!)
I wish I could say I've learned some profound lesson in the past few days, even in the past few weeks, but that would be exaggerating. At least, that's what it feels like. It's been so busy around here, with my Pop Pop in and out of the hospital and my Grandmom staying here, and me trying to pick up as many hours as possible at work. I think I just got so busy, so stressed, that I forgot to slow down and realize what God's been trying to say to me. Honestly, I still don't know even as I look back at the past few weeks. But I know He's been present.
I think the biggest way I've seen God work is in Pop Pop. God's saved him so many times recently. Pop Pop's so tired of fighting and I know he just doesn't have the energy to keep this up, but I've seen so much strength in him lately that I know isn't his own. I mean the man's in the hospital for congestive heart failure and he's joking with the nurses. But that's one of the qualities I always admired about Pop Pop was his strength. It seemed he always knew the right thing to say and the right attitude to have...I could feel like the world was falling apart and I knew his was too, but he never let it show.
God's been working on him his whole life...I know that much. I think he's finally come to realize that, too. I think he's finally recoginized God as his Lord and Savior and I can't even express how happy that makes me! His time is coming quickly to an end but I know he's had an amazing life.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
there's nothing like family
So today was father's day, obviously. We went to my grandparents' house for dinner...basically the whole family was there. Somehow we ended up looking through old pictures and hearing stories from when my grandparents were younger. Honestly, it's one of my favorite things to do. (Matt was probably bored but oh well haha). I just love hearing what life was like back when they were growing up. I want to know the circumstances around the people they've become. I mean think about it...the world we grew up in has a lot to do with who we are today. Of course it's not everything, but it really does have an impact.
For example, my grandparents grew up during the Great Depression. Pop Pop told me tonight about how he and his brother would go out and work every day and bring every cent home to his mother so she could buy food for dinner that night. That helped him develop a really strong work ethic which in turn brought him a lot of success with his business and a ton of connections. Now a lot of kids are just handed stuff so they don't even need to learn to work for it. Even those of us who do work are working for our own money, not to bring home every cent to our parents to put dinner on the table. It's a different world and we grew up a different way.
But no matter what kind of person we are, no matter who we know or how hard we work, I've realized that we all face the same thing in one way or another: death. I said to Pop Pop that he's lived a good life and he said "I have, but I'm payin for it now". I'm not sure that's really the right way to put it, but he had a point. He lived an amazing life...I don't think there's a thing he didn't do that he wanted to do. But he's suffering just like so many others. He's facing death just like every one of us will at some point. And I don't say this to be morbid, but it's something to think about. What's worth our time here on earth and what's just a waste? And more importantly, where are we going when we die? I know I'm going to heaven and I hope you who's reading this know where you're going too, but there's only two ways to go and it's a choice. So I just hope you choose the right one. But it's something to think about...and I guess there's really nothing like family to get you thinking sometimes.
For example, my grandparents grew up during the Great Depression. Pop Pop told me tonight about how he and his brother would go out and work every day and bring every cent home to his mother so she could buy food for dinner that night. That helped him develop a really strong work ethic which in turn brought him a lot of success with his business and a ton of connections. Now a lot of kids are just handed stuff so they don't even need to learn to work for it. Even those of us who do work are working for our own money, not to bring home every cent to our parents to put dinner on the table. It's a different world and we grew up a different way.
But no matter what kind of person we are, no matter who we know or how hard we work, I've realized that we all face the same thing in one way or another: death. I said to Pop Pop that he's lived a good life and he said "I have, but I'm payin for it now". I'm not sure that's really the right way to put it, but he had a point. He lived an amazing life...I don't think there's a thing he didn't do that he wanted to do. But he's suffering just like so many others. He's facing death just like every one of us will at some point. And I don't say this to be morbid, but it's something to think about. What's worth our time here on earth and what's just a waste? And more importantly, where are we going when we die? I know I'm going to heaven and I hope you who's reading this know where you're going too, but there's only two ways to go and it's a choice. So I just hope you choose the right one. But it's something to think about...and I guess there's really nothing like family to get you thinking sometimes.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
updates and such
So I know I said I'd update about my sister's audition, but I never got around to it. Basically we were in the rain for 14 miserable hours and she didn't make it :( But we're going to Orlando so she can try again so I'm not exactly that upset. Just pray she gets it this time because she really deserves it!
Something else that's been eating away at me though...yesterday (Friday) was 1 year since we landed in Cambodia. A year ago I was taking in the shock of poverty and the life of a citizen in a third world country. Now I'm sitting here in the comfort of my room writing about it. It's just ironic how things work out sometimes, I guess...I mean, I thought I'd be back there by now. I can't be though. God had different plans for me. I still haven't figured out exactly what good I'm doing here, but I know there's a reason God kept me back in Jersey for the summer.
I miss those girls though...probably too much sometimes. Sometimes it gets to the point where it physically hurts. I know God's taking care of them, though. I just wish I could be there to watch them and help them grow close to Him along the way. Maybe one day I'll see the results of the work He's done in their lives. I'll be back there someday...I can guarantee that.
And an update on my Pop Pop...he's doing much better. He's out of the hospital which is amazing. He even baked a cake for us today. I saw him today and he looked a lot better than I've seen him in a long time. But the doctor said his looks are deceiving, he looks a lot better than he actually is. So he still definitely needs prayer. He doesn't have much longer and it scares me to death, but I think he's accepted that fact and he might even be ready to go home. I just have to trust that God knows what He's doing with my Pop Pop.
I guess that's about it for now...happy father's day and all that. And really, take a chance to tell someone you're thankful for them, whether it's your dad for father's day or someone you know you won't have around much longer. They deserve to know.
Something else that's been eating away at me though...yesterday (Friday) was 1 year since we landed in Cambodia. A year ago I was taking in the shock of poverty and the life of a citizen in a third world country. Now I'm sitting here in the comfort of my room writing about it. It's just ironic how things work out sometimes, I guess...I mean, I thought I'd be back there by now. I can't be though. God had different plans for me. I still haven't figured out exactly what good I'm doing here, but I know there's a reason God kept me back in Jersey for the summer.
I miss those girls though...probably too much sometimes. Sometimes it gets to the point where it physically hurts. I know God's taking care of them, though. I just wish I could be there to watch them and help them grow close to Him along the way. Maybe one day I'll see the results of the work He's done in their lives. I'll be back there someday...I can guarantee that.
And an update on my Pop Pop...he's doing much better. He's out of the hospital which is amazing. He even baked a cake for us today. I saw him today and he looked a lot better than I've seen him in a long time. But the doctor said his looks are deceiving, he looks a lot better than he actually is. So he still definitely needs prayer. He doesn't have much longer and it scares me to death, but I think he's accepted that fact and he might even be ready to go home. I just have to trust that God knows what He's doing with my Pop Pop.
I guess that's about it for now...happy father's day and all that. And really, take a chance to tell someone you're thankful for them, whether it's your dad for father's day or someone you know you won't have around much longer. They deserve to know.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
on the road again
If I thought people would actually read the whole thing I feel like I could write a short novel about this weekend. But, I know the attention span of most people, and my own attention span, so I'll keep it short. I do have to share some of it though.
We'll start with Thursday. My mom took my Pop Pop to the doctor's for a check-up on his lungs (he has emphysema if you didn't know) and he ended up having to go to the hospital. His oxygen levels in his blood were way too low. The circulation was so bad they couldn't even put the IV in his vain because there was no blood in it. So that was scary. He's doing much better, but he's still in the hopsital and definitely needs a ton of prayer.
Then Friday night my sister and I left for Boston so she can audition for American Idol! We drove through the night and Saturday (today) has been the single longest day of my life. I've pulled all-nighters before, but not like this. We got to the stadium where the auditions are around 3:30 AM. Luckily there was no line and there was staff there already so she was able to register without even waiting in line. But then we had nothing to do. We tried sleeping in the car while waiting to check in at the hotel, but we couldn't do it anymore so we came early to the hotel. Super 8 - awful! I hate this place! First they place us in a smoking room and won't move us to the room we orginially reserved without paying extra. Then there was hair in the towels!! Gross! And we tried to get a couple hours of sleep in but we had very noisy neighbors that make this quite difficult.
Finally we left and we were able to go to Boston. We even went to this place called "Kick Ass Cupcakes" (excuse the language!) and got some amazing cupcakes! So it all ended up okay, but it's been a long day! Now, at 8:20 I'm lying in the hotel bed writing this after listening to Maggie practice for auditions in the morning. I'm looking forward to more than 2 hours of sleep tonight! But we have to get to the stadium between 2 and 5 in the morning so it's gonna be another long day ahead of us! I'll be sure to update you on how everything goes when I get home. But for now just pray she does well...she deserves this!
We'll start with Thursday. My mom took my Pop Pop to the doctor's for a check-up on his lungs (he has emphysema if you didn't know) and he ended up having to go to the hospital. His oxygen levels in his blood were way too low. The circulation was so bad they couldn't even put the IV in his vain because there was no blood in it. So that was scary. He's doing much better, but he's still in the hopsital and definitely needs a ton of prayer.
Then Friday night my sister and I left for Boston so she can audition for American Idol! We drove through the night and Saturday (today) has been the single longest day of my life. I've pulled all-nighters before, but not like this. We got to the stadium where the auditions are around 3:30 AM. Luckily there was no line and there was staff there already so she was able to register without even waiting in line. But then we had nothing to do. We tried sleeping in the car while waiting to check in at the hotel, but we couldn't do it anymore so we came early to the hotel. Super 8 - awful! I hate this place! First they place us in a smoking room and won't move us to the room we orginially reserved without paying extra. Then there was hair in the towels!! Gross! And we tried to get a couple hours of sleep in but we had very noisy neighbors that make this quite difficult.
Finally we left and we were able to go to Boston. We even went to this place called "Kick Ass Cupcakes" (excuse the language!) and got some amazing cupcakes! So it all ended up okay, but it's been a long day! Now, at 8:20 I'm lying in the hotel bed writing this after listening to Maggie practice for auditions in the morning. I'm looking forward to more than 2 hours of sleep tonight! But we have to get to the stadium between 2 and 5 in the morning so it's gonna be another long day ahead of us! I'll be sure to update you on how everything goes when I get home. But for now just pray she does well...she deserves this!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
reality vs fantasy...
We live in a time when it's easy to leave the real world and switch over to some fantasy life at the click of a button. I mean think about it. Between video games, movies, music, and tv it's easy to turn one on, maybe even two, and escape to a different life for a while. Maybe that's why we like entertainment so much. We can be that star player on a sport team. We can be the girl that every guy dreams of. I think most of all, when we tune into someone else's fantasy life, we imagine we can be enough.
At this point you're probably like wow, this girl takes her movies way too seriously but think for a minute. When you engage yourself in some sort of entertainment, you're usually watching or (in the case of video games at least) even pretending to have someone else's life. Whether you admit it or not, whether you even realize it or not, chances are you're putting yourself in that person's shoes. When they have a problem you feel for them. When something goes their way, you're excited for them.
But how much of that do we carry into real life? I mean, reality's not like the movies. There's no cute moment when boy and girl meet. He usually doesn't have some cute line that will make her swoon and make out with him on the spot. He doesn't have the script that tells him she won't reject him. The fact is, we're human. We all screw up...sometimes a lot. We don't always say the right thing or even everything we wanted to say. We don't always do the right thing either. But that doesn't mean we can't try.
Like I said earlier, when we pretend to be these other people we usually feel like we're enough. I think in real life a lot of people feel they aren't enough. They think that once they're treated like the people in their games or their tv shows are treated, that's how they'll know they're enough for someone. But the truth is, you're already enough. I'm already enough. I don't need to change. And really, it's not my job to complete anyone. That's God's business. And I can't look to people to complete me. Because being enough doesn't mean completing others, it just means being all you can be for them and letting them do the rest.
At this point you're probably like wow, this girl takes her movies way too seriously but think for a minute. When you engage yourself in some sort of entertainment, you're usually watching or (in the case of video games at least) even pretending to have someone else's life. Whether you admit it or not, whether you even realize it or not, chances are you're putting yourself in that person's shoes. When they have a problem you feel for them. When something goes their way, you're excited for them.
But how much of that do we carry into real life? I mean, reality's not like the movies. There's no cute moment when boy and girl meet. He usually doesn't have some cute line that will make her swoon and make out with him on the spot. He doesn't have the script that tells him she won't reject him. The fact is, we're human. We all screw up...sometimes a lot. We don't always say the right thing or even everything we wanted to say. We don't always do the right thing either. But that doesn't mean we can't try.
Like I said earlier, when we pretend to be these other people we usually feel like we're enough. I think in real life a lot of people feel they aren't enough. They think that once they're treated like the people in their games or their tv shows are treated, that's how they'll know they're enough for someone. But the truth is, you're already enough. I'm already enough. I don't need to change. And really, it's not my job to complete anyone. That's God's business. And I can't look to people to complete me. Because being enough doesn't mean completing others, it just means being all you can be for them and letting them do the rest.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
me being real
So it's been brought to my attention by Stacy that I haven't written a blog in 4 weeks. That's a long time for me! The problem is that I haven't had much to write about. But if you've read any of my other posts you know that for the most part I write about what I've been seeing God do in my life and in the lives of people around me. So for a little bit I was really discouraged. I thought that since I haven't seen anything tangible that God's not doing anything...and I hate that feeling. I like when God's doing huge things...teaching me a life-changing lesson or healing someone who's hurting. But it's unrealistic to think that's how it always works. God works in small, subtle ways too.
I've been busy the past 4 weeks. I got a job, I've been catching up with friends, I've been trying to get back into the kind of life I lived when I was in high school - busy but fulfilling. But in all that I missed something. Coming home from a Christian school is a big change. Instead of being required to go to chapel 3 days a week I have to make a choice on my own to spend time with God. Quiet time's always been tough for me. As badly as I want to read the Bible, I never really learned how to read it in a way that makes it interesting and easy to understand. I'm learning, but I'm not quite there yet. And prayer, though much easier, gets hard sometimes because I get distracted so easily. And just being still, being quiet, that's tough for me most of the time. And so I missed God when I got home.
I'm about to get real with you here so bear with me: Lately I've been feeling really distant from God. It's not that I've been doing anything terrible or anything. I've acted normal, I've even felt normal. But I've been doing it on my own. I keep telling God "later. I'll start my relationship with you all over again tomorrow". But then tomorrow never comes. I've just been stuck in a rut.
And then Friday at youth group Pierce spoke on how God never leaves our side. And then we sang a song called "By Your Side" about how He's always with us. And then we broke into small groups and shared how we've seen Christ present in our lives and how we've been reacting to Him lately and it hit me. I've been pushing Him away and I've been a control freak. I mean, nothing's really been wrong recently so I keep thinking I have everything under control and it's all my doing but really it's all God. Without Him I'd be in such a huge mess right now but He's handling my life and so everything's falling into place. But the thought of my not being the one to do that for myself hurts a little so I've been pushing Him away. He stole my control. But the truth is I never had it. It's all been up to Him since day 1 and I'm doing my best to acknowlege that now.
I hope this made sense...it's been a long time since I've written and honestly I didn't think much while I wrote. But that's my life and what's been on my mind the past few weeks. Don't judge me for it, it's just me being real.
I've been busy the past 4 weeks. I got a job, I've been catching up with friends, I've been trying to get back into the kind of life I lived when I was in high school - busy but fulfilling. But in all that I missed something. Coming home from a Christian school is a big change. Instead of being required to go to chapel 3 days a week I have to make a choice on my own to spend time with God. Quiet time's always been tough for me. As badly as I want to read the Bible, I never really learned how to read it in a way that makes it interesting and easy to understand. I'm learning, but I'm not quite there yet. And prayer, though much easier, gets hard sometimes because I get distracted so easily. And just being still, being quiet, that's tough for me most of the time. And so I missed God when I got home.
I'm about to get real with you here so bear with me: Lately I've been feeling really distant from God. It's not that I've been doing anything terrible or anything. I've acted normal, I've even felt normal. But I've been doing it on my own. I keep telling God "later. I'll start my relationship with you all over again tomorrow". But then tomorrow never comes. I've just been stuck in a rut.
And then Friday at youth group Pierce spoke on how God never leaves our side. And then we sang a song called "By Your Side" about how He's always with us. And then we broke into small groups and shared how we've seen Christ present in our lives and how we've been reacting to Him lately and it hit me. I've been pushing Him away and I've been a control freak. I mean, nothing's really been wrong recently so I keep thinking I have everything under control and it's all my doing but really it's all God. Without Him I'd be in such a huge mess right now but He's handling my life and so everything's falling into place. But the thought of my not being the one to do that for myself hurts a little so I've been pushing Him away. He stole my control. But the truth is I never had it. It's all been up to Him since day 1 and I'm doing my best to acknowlege that now.
I hope this made sense...it's been a long time since I've written and honestly I didn't think much while I wrote. But that's my life and what's been on my mind the past few weeks. Don't judge me for it, it's just me being real.
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