be careful little eyes

"Be careful little eyes what you see
Be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see"

Have you heard that song? Slow Flow by Casting Crowns. I heard it on k-love today. I wanted to stop the car and break down right there. I've heard that song before - it's not like this was a first for me. But somehow this time it really touched me. Be careful what you see, what you hear, what you expose yourself to. I've allowed myself to see and hear things that I could have avoided and I honestly think they've changed my life - and not for the better. I guess I'll just have to be more careful from now on. Even though I've grown up, I'm still God's child and I still need to protect myself.

my shell

It's been about a month and a half since I wrote last. I don't know why I haven't written...maybe discouragement because I know people don't read this anyway. Maybe just because I've been busy. Or maybe because I've been feeling the need to crawl back into my shell lately.

Yes, I have a shell. If you're reading this you probably know that already, but if you don't then there it is. And my shell takes over if I'm not careful. See, I used to hide so easily. I could pretend to be the strongest girl in the world while inside I was torn apart and wanted to burst into tears. But life's gotten the best of me at times and worn down that shell. But I guess while things got better my shell gained it's strength back and as soon as things got a little shaky I drew right inside of it.

So I'm trying to make my way back out of it. I realize that sometimes shells can be good - like a protective shell - but they can also be terrible. They can keep you from taking risks and being the person you want to be. They can trap you into a place you don't want to be stuck in.

I hate my shell. It's dark and ugly inside. But somehow it's warm and appealing at the same time. Maybe because I know it so well. Did you ever notice how even when something is awful it can still seem like home? That's my shell. But I hate it. I'm trying to get out. I just need someone to let me know that they want me out of there too. Sometimes I feel like people would rather have the fake always happy and always independent me than the real sometimes upset and sometimes needy me. But if just one person says they want the real me I'll be that for them. And notice that I said only sometimes upset and needy. That happy independent girl can be me sometimes too, just not all the time. So give me a chance.