me being real

So it's been brought to my attention by Stacy that I haven't written a blog in 4 weeks. That's a long time for me! The problem is that I haven't had much to write about. But if you've read any of my other posts you know that for the most part I write about what I've been seeing God do in my life and in the lives of people around me. So for a little bit I was really discouraged. I thought that since I haven't seen anything tangible that God's not doing anything...and I hate that feeling. I like when God's doing huge things...teaching me a life-changing lesson or healing someone who's hurting. But it's unrealistic to think that's how it always works. God works in small, subtle ways too.

I've been busy the past 4 weeks. I got a job, I've been catching up with friends, I've been trying to get back into the kind of life I lived when I was in high school - busy but fulfilling. But in all that I missed something. Coming home from a Christian school is a big change. Instead of being required to go to chapel 3 days a week I have to make a choice on my own to spend time with God. Quiet time's always been tough for me. As badly as I want to read the Bible, I never really learned how to read it in a way that makes it interesting and easy to understand. I'm learning, but I'm not quite there yet. And prayer, though much easier, gets hard sometimes because I get distracted so easily. And just being still, being quiet, that's tough for me most of the time. And so I missed God when I got home.

I'm about to get real with you here so bear with me: Lately I've been feeling really distant from God. It's not that I've been doing anything terrible or anything. I've acted normal, I've even felt normal. But I've been doing it on my own. I keep telling God "later. I'll start my relationship with you all over again tomorrow". But then tomorrow never comes. I've just been stuck in a rut.

And then Friday at youth group Pierce spoke on how God never leaves our side. And then we sang a song called "By Your Side" about how He's always with us. And then we broke into small groups and shared how we've seen Christ present in our lives and how we've been reacting to Him lately and it hit me. I've been pushing Him away and I've been a control freak. I mean, nothing's really been wrong recently so I keep thinking I have everything under control and it's all my doing but really it's all God. Without Him I'd be in such a huge mess right now but He's handling my life and so everything's falling into place. But the thought of my not being the one to do that for myself hurts a little so I've been pushing Him away. He stole my control. But the truth is I never had it. It's all been up to Him since day 1 and I'm doing my best to acknowlege that now.

I hope this made sense...it's been a long time since I've written and honestly I didn't think much while I wrote. But that's my life and what's been on my mind the past few weeks. Don't judge me for it, it's just me being real.

I was thinking...

Ever wonder where you'll be in 5 years? 10 years? 30 years? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I'm not sure why...maybe it's the whole end of the year thing. I've been hearing what people are doing after they graduate, big plans to change lives. It makes me wonder. Where am I gonna be a few years out of college? Will I be living at home with a job at Blockbuster still (or again, I guess) or will I be married and helping my husband pursue his dreams. And will I be pursuing my own dreams? What kinds of sacrifices will I be making?

But I was thinking...maybe that's not what matters right now. Yeah, what I do now might affect that me 5 years down the road, but I should be focusing on now. Getting through finals, finding a job, finding a car I can afford. Appreciating my family, my friends, my boy, the girls I met this year that changed my life. I've got a long road ahead of me, God willing, so I guess I should probably enjoy the scenery while I'm at it, right?

taken

As usual I have a lot on my mind at a late hour. Suprised? Well, here it goes...and be gentle, this is close to my heart.

I went to see Taken tonight. If you haven't heard of it, it's a movie about the sex trade. If you haven't heard of that, read my other blogs...most of them have something to do with it haha. But the movie just keeps replaying in my mind. Well, not all of it. Not the parts where he unrealistically kills like 7 people in about 5 minutes. But the parts about prostitution are what stuck with me. It's been a long time since I've seen a movie like this one. I can't close my eyes because when I do, I see a 17 year old beautiful girl being auctioned off to a bunch of rich men. Or I see a 19 year old girl handcuffed to a bed with no pulse. Those are the parts that stuck with me.

But there's one line that got me. It made me so angry. The man told the girl's father "It's just business, it's nothing personal." I've been thinking about that ever since. It's nothing personal. But, see, it is personal. It hit me (and yes I already knew this but it really hit me) that each girl out there being sold for a few bucks behind a curtain or being auctioned off for $500,000...that girl is someone's daughter. She's someone's sister. She's someone's friend. Even the girls who are sold by their own parents, I have a hard time believing it was an easy decision for those parents. Maybe it was, who knows, but I like to believe it wasn't easy.

I hope these images leave my mind. I keep thinking of the girls I met in Cambodia. I can't bear to think that they went through anything similar to what that movie portrayed. I don't want to think that they've been raped over and over just because their parents needed some money. But it's true, and you can't get rid of the truth.

Usually I like to make these blogs somewhat hopeful or uplifting, but that's not the spirit I'm in tonight. Is that wrong? It's just that movie was more than a movie to me...it was a rude reminder of what I've been called to change, even if I think I can't.