beautiful dresses with ugly intentions

The orphan clings to Your hand
Singing the song of how he was found
The widow rejoices
For her oppressors are silenced


The runaway falls at Your feet
You are what he has searched for
The rich man is broken
When he stands beneath a sky full of stars


You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore
When You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still, You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side

-"You Are On Our Side" by Bethany Dillon

It's almost 1:30. I should be sleeping.

But my heart is heavy.

My heart has been breaking and healing and breaking again too much in these past few days. I've thought of Cambodia so much. I've thought of the women I left behind there. The children that were so inspiring. The men who were so disgusting. The sights that were exciting. The sights that were sickening. The potential. The helplessness.

I'll never forget it. It was my first trip overseas and it changed my life. It changed my perspective. I thought by now I'd be back to the way I was before this summer. How wrong I was to think that! Life has gone on, but what I've experienced won't leave me.

There's one image that won't leave my mind.

Women, beautiful but sad, dressed in evening gowns and sitting in chairs outside a restaurant.

Beautiful evening gowns with disgusting intention.

We passed that place almost every day and I couldn't get used to that sight. I can't say I know for sure what they were doing there, but I made an educated guess.

I guessed they were being exploited.

Used.

Bought.

Sold.

Put it however you want. The point is they were there and they weren't happy.

And that image - that disgraceful sight - will not leave me. It breaks my heart that while I'm here at school learning so I can have a good future, girls my age, girls youger than me are being sold to fulfull the selfish desires of selfish men. I hate it. I want them to be here in my place. I want to get them help. I want to give them normal clothes, not showy evening gowns. I want to love them purely, not allow them to be forced to make "love" with strange men.

But for now I am here. I can't be there so I must make the best of being here. The song at the beginning of this post has kept me going. It's reminded me over and over that God still wants me. But it's also reminded me that Jesus would love the women the world hates. And, much harder for me to grasp, he would love the men that use and abuse them.

It's a tough wake up call.

the real world?

Do you ever feel like you're wasting your life?

Gosh, who doesn't ever feel like that, I wonder.

Sometimes I just wish I could start life. Like I'm here at college just pretending to be living my life, but I feel like I could be doing so much more if I could just jump out into that "real world" finally.

You know...that "real world" that everyone says exists? I haven't seen too much of it. I got a glance of it in Cambodia this summer. I guess that's why I loved it so much there - it was my first glimpse of what's actually going on in the world. Yeah I've read stories and learned things in class. I've taken notes, given speeches, prayed for issues...all for things I'd never seen or experienced.

I don't think hearing is enough. But sometimes that's all we do, isn't it? We hear it, we feel sorry, maybe even give a dollar or so to a charity, and then move on with our lives.

That is, what we think our lives are.

But I'm sick of the life I'm living. I want to make a difference. Not just a small one like a dollar's worth of difference. I want to change lives. I want to be a part of changing nations. I want to be involved in changing the world.

But those are huge ambitions for a small little college student like me. Who am I to make changes like that?

I guess I'll have to do my best to keep trusting God and to be content with where I am.

It's all your's, God. Do what you will with this small life.

home sweet home

So here I am...lying in my bed at home. Well..sort of my bed. My parents actually gave my sister my mattress! Can you believe that? I come home looking forward to sleeping in my bed and my mattress is different! Terrible. But I'm dealing with it :)

It's good to be home. I slept in this morning, watched tv for the first time in weeks, got my hair cut by my lovely cousin, went out to my favorite restraunt, and came home and watched the VP debates. It was a pretty good day. I have to get up early for a dentist appointment tomorrow though. No fun! I'm going to the Harvest Crusade tomorrow, though, with a couple friends. I'm so excited to see them and to see what God's going to do tomorrow night. I have a feeling it's gonna be an awesome experience. I'm sure I'll be posing another blog about it soon!

There's things I miss about school though. Certainly not the homework or classes, but there are a few things. Like my friends and my roommates. I woke up this morning so confused because my roommates weren't there! Oh I miss those girls. Or seeing my boy every day :) Haha it's been almost 2 days since I've seen him. Oh poor me. Just kidding I'm not that bad! After all I've spent much more time than that away from him! But I did get used to seeing him all the time. Believe me I can't believe how blessed I am for that! And what else do I miss? Hm...oh I know! The toilets! Yes that's strange I know, but the toilets in our dorms flush automatically. I can't tell you how many times I've almost forgotten to flush the toilet since I got here! Hey, it's the little things that make life big, right?

Well, on that note, I'm off to bed. I'll be posting again soon about the Harvest Crusade! Love to all of you :)

P.S. Phillies won!! Woohoo!!!!