Wednesday, August 26, 2009

moved to worship

A moment ago I was so overwhelmed with things to write about and yet now I'm sitting here on my bed trying to figure out what to say. I think the best idea right now, though, would be to write about what I've been learning - worship.

If you asked me a week ago "what is worship?" I would have promptly responded "it's a lifestyle centered around giving back to God what He's blessed you with" or something along those lines. It's not that I disagree with that now...I just feel like that definition is so...empty. Like there are so many aspects to worship and I can't even begin to describe them all. The theme on our hall this year at school is worship and they're planning on spending the year talking about what it is and what it looks like in our lives, so I'm sure plenty of blogs about worship will follow this one.

But I've had a song in my head since I left church this evening...which is strange because we didn't even sing it at church but here's the lyrics:

The more i seek you
the more i find you
The more i find you
the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breathe, hear your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

I think that's my definition of worship right now. It might seem weird that my definition is constantly changing, but I think it's more that it's constantly growing. But tonight my definition of worship is this song. Worship is constantly seeking God and seeking His face. Wanting to know Him more, wanting to know Him more intimately than any human being. Worship is getting so close to God that you can sit with Him in awe of His power and yet see that He loves you enough to let you drink in His mercies and His grace...realizing that He's willing to share with you because you are His. And because of this realization you can't help but melt for Him. You are so deeply moved that you can't help but fall to your knees in awe of Him.

Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone else right now, but I pray it does. My focus for this year is going to be seeking God and learning more and more about Him every day.

Monday, August 10, 2009

in loving memory

It took me a couple days but I finally have words to express what's going on in my life. It's finally become a reality and I think I'm ready to let it out.


Saturday morning, around 10 AM, my Pop Pop went on to be with God. I'm more grateful than words can express that I can say that with confidence. It's hard that he's gone...even harder than I thought actually...but it helps to know that he is in heaven. I can just picture him up there with countless others singing praises to the Lord. I just wish I could be up there with him.


It was only about a month ago that Pop Pop accepted Christ as his savior. He was always so stubborn...like he thought he didn't need God, I guess. But a month ago my uncle prayed with him in his house and Pop Pop said he believed he sinned and needed to be saved. It's an answer to prayer really, the way his life was. He lived his life the way he wanted it and I think it's safe to say he did everything he ever wanted to do. But like I said, he was stubborn and felt that his life was his. But the last 3 years of his life his heart softened as he got more and more sick and finally his heart was ready for Christ. I know God planned out his life perfectly.


I miss Pop Pop so much...and I probably always will. He was one of my favorite people. He taught me so much about life and about people and about what's important. He taught me how to be strong. He always had such a great attitude about everything. And his stories...I could have sat and listened to him tell his stories for hours. He knew so many people and had so many experiences that shaped him into the man he was. And I know he helped shape me into the young woman I am today. I owe a lot of who I am to my Pop Pop. I'll love him forever.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

hope, frustration, and longing

"God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied." (Matthew 5:6 NLT)

I read that verse yesterday during my quiet time and it opened so much in my mind. I began to feel hope, frustration, and longing all at once. I was hopeful because that's my heart right there - I long for justice. I know that's part of my purpose here: to see justice brought to even just a few women and children trafficked and forced into prostitution. God has given me a burning desire for justice. There are nights when I lie awake trying to think of things I can do to make others aware of what's going on in the world, what I can do to start making a change.

But that's when the frustration comes in. I often feel like I don't have enough influence to bring change or have a voice loud enough to be heard. I try to remember the verse that tells us "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young" but sometimes it's not only that. Sometimes it's the fact that I'm only a college student living in the same town I grew up in. I haven't done anything to make people listen to me. I haven't had any traumatic experience to make people want to listen to me. But I do have a heart for justice and for the hundreds of thousands of women and children of this world who are forced to sleep with 10 or more men a day. I have a passion for those women and children who are raped too many times to count, but see no one put in jail for it.

But all this passion brings longing. A longing to do something. A longing to be back in Cambodia where I felt like I actually was making a difference. A longing to be out there changing things. I know it's not my time yet, but it's so hard to wait sometimes. I get scared that it will be too late. I know it won't but that's still in the back of my mind. But God's given me this passion for a reason. He knew exactly how I'd be feeling today. I know one day I'll reach my potential. One day I'll fulfill my purpose on this earth, but until then I'll continue learning and growing so I'm ready when the time comes.

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute." -Proverbs 31:8